Batman vs. Peter Hegseth: Able Bodied Wayne Against Drunk Ass Womanzier

The Combatants

In one corner, we have the Dark Knight himself—Batman, the brooding billionaire vigilante who's spent decades striking fear into Gotham's criminal underworld with nothing but his wits, training, and an unlimited black credit card.

In the other corner stands Peter Hegseth—former Fox & Friends host turned Secretary of Defense. A man who once proudly declared he hadn't washed his hands in ten years because "germs aren't real." A bold strategy indeed.

Round 1: With Preparation

Batman has been holed up in the Batcave for a week, reviewing Hegseth's combat record, television appearances, and that time he accidentally threw an axe over a target and nearly decapitated a West Point drummer. An incident which Bruce Wayne files under "tactically unpredictable, dangerously incompetent."

Meanwhile, Hegseth has been... well, not preparing much. His strategy consists mainly of tweeting about how he's going to "show that trust fund costume freak what real American strength looks like." Not exactly the comprehensive battle plan you'd hope for from a Secretary of Defense.

The Fight

1. Batman emerges from the shadows as Hegseth is mid-interview, rambling about "coastal elites." The Dark Knight deploys a custom-made sound grenade that plays Hegseth's most embarrassing on-air gaffes at 120 decibels. Hegseth is momentarily stunned by the sound of his own voice saying "I don't think I've washed my hands in the last 10 years."

2. Hegseth recovers and charges Batman like a damn bull, military training kicking in. Batman sidesteps, deploying a specialized foam that hardens on contact—designed specifically to immobilize someone with Hegseth's combat style. "Shit!" yells Hegseth as he finds himself stuck in place.

3. Batman approaches calmly, holding up a bottle of hand sanitizer. "This might be the most terrifying thing you've ever seen," he growls, before spraying Hegseth's hands thoroughly. The psychological warfare is complete. Hegseth surrenders, muttering something about "liberal disinfectant agenda."

Batman's victory was never in doubt. With preparation time, the Caped Crusader identified Hegseth's psychological weaknesses and exploited them ruthlessly. The hand sanitizer move was fucking genius—psychological warfare at its finest.

Round 2: No Preparation

With no time to prepare, this matchup becomes more interesting. Batman doesn't know who the hell this guy is, and Hegseth has no time to tweet about how he's going to "make Batman great again" or whatever nonsense he'd normally spout.

The Fight

1. Hegseth, a former National Guard officer with actual combat experience, comes out swinging with military precision. Batman, caught off guard by the disciplined approach, takes a solid right hook to the jaw. "That's for the taxpayers of Gotham, you rich asshole!" Hegseth bellows.

2. Batman recovers quickly, analyzing Hegseth's fighting style. He notices Hegseth keeps his right side slightly exposed after throwing combinations—a habit from his boxing days. Batman exploits this weakness, landing three rapid strikes to Hegseth's exposed ribs. "Goddamn it!" Hegseth grunts, stumbling backward.

3. In a desperate move, Hegseth grabs an American flag from a nearby stand and attempts to use it as a weapon. Batman, ever the tactician, uses this moment of patriotic improvisation to sweep Hegseth's legs and pin him to the ground. "The flag deserves better," Batman growls, before knocking Hegseth unconscious.

Even without preparation, Batman's years of combat experience against every type of opponent imaginable gives him the edge. Hegseth's military training made this a tougher fight, but Batman's ability to identify and exploit weaknesses in real-time is unmatched.

Analysis

Hegseth's combat experience and military background make him a more formidable opponent than your average politician. The man knows how to handle himself in a fight and has actual battlefield experience. But against Batman? Come on. That's like putting a decent high school quarterback against Tom Brady.

What makes this matchup particularly entertaining is the clash of ideologies. Batman, despite his billions, has dedicated his life to helping Gotham's most vulnerable. Hegseth represents a different worldview entirely—one where hand-washing is optional and axes are thrown with reckless abandon.

In both scenarios, Batman emerges victorious, though the unprepared encounter gives us a more entertaining scrap. Hegseth's military training and physical fitness make him a worthy opponent for about 45 seconds before Batman's superior technique, equipment, and tactical mind take over.

As Batman ties up an unconscious Hegseth, he can't help but mutter, "Alfred, prepare a bath. I feel like I need to wash my hands after this one."