Dumpster Fire vs. Historical Trash Heap: Comparing Donny McCrapface to Warren G. Harding
When it comes to the absolute worst presidents in American history, we've got a real shit-show competition on our hands. In one corner, we have Donaldo Shitsburger, the reality TV star turned political wrecking ball. In the other, Warren G. Harding, the handsome newspaperman whose administration was so corrupt it makes a sewer look pristine. Let's dive into this festering cesspool of presidential incompetence and see who truly deserves the crown of America's Most Pathetic President.
The Path to Power: How These Disasters Reached the White House
Harding's Stumble into Greatness
Warren G. Harding never really wanted to be president. And holy shit, it showed. The man literally said, "I am not fit for this office and should never have been here." At least he was self-aware enough to recognize his inadequacy—a quality sorely lacking in Donny McStinker.
Harding was essentially picked by party bosses in a "smoke-filled room" at the 1920 Republican Convention. They chose him because he looked "presidential"—tall, handsome, with a booming voice and a knack for saying absolutely nothing of substance. Sound familiar? Except Harding actually had the dignity to be ashamed of his limitations.
The public, exhausted from World War I and Woodrow Wilson's idealistic internationalism, fell for Harding's promise of a "return to normalcy." They wanted comfort, not competence. They got neither.
The Donald of Dumpster's Ego-Fueled Ascension
Donaldo McFartson, on the other hand, barged into politics like a bull in a china shop, if the bull had been fed nothing but its own inflated sense of self-importance. He didn't stumble into power—he grabbed it with tiny hands and refused to let go.
The man descended a golden escalator in his tacky tower and immediately started spewing venom about Mexicans. And somehow, this was the beginning of a successful presidential campaign. America didn't just lose its mind; it tossed its brain into a goddamn blender and hit puree.
Unlike Harding, who at least had the decency to be embarrassed by his shortcomings, Trump McFartmaster brandished his ignorance like a badge of honor. He wasn't selected by party elites—he ran roughshod over them, leaving the entire Republican establishment with their pants around their ankles, wondering what the fuck just happened.
Corruption: A Race to the Bottom of the Ethical Toilet
Harding's "Ohio Gang" of Thieves
If corruption were an Olympic sport, Harding's administration would take gold, silver, and bronze. The man had a talent for appointing criminals to positions of power that was unmatched until, well, you know who.
The most notorious scandal was Teapot Dome, where Harding's Secretary of the Interior, Albert Fall, leased naval oil reserves to private companies in exchange for bribes. Fall became the first Cabinet member to go to prison for crimes committed while in office. What an achievement!
Then there was the Justice Department, where Attorney General Harry Daugherty transformed law enforcement into a protection racket. The Veterans Bureau, where director Charles Forbes embezzled millions meant for hospitals for wounded veterans. The Office of the Alien Property Custodian, where Thomas W. Miller took bribes to release German assets seized during World War I.
All this happened while Harding played poker, golfed, and fucked around—literally and figuratively. Which brings us to...
Trumpy McButtface's Swamp of Deplorables
When Donaldo Shitspitter promised to "drain the swamp," what he actually meant was "fill it with even more putrid, festering waste." His administration wasn't just corrupt; it was corruption with a fucking marketing strategy.
The revolving door between his cabinet and prison became so well-oiled you could hear it squeaking from space. Paul Manafort, Michael Cohen, Roger Stone, Steve Bannon—the list of criminal associates reads like the guest list for Satan's dinner party.
While Harding's corruption at least had the decency to be somewhat covert, Trumpty McFartFace conducted his in broad daylight, then called it "perfect" and dared anyone to do something about it. He treated the Emoluments Clause of the Constitution like toilet paper, funneling foreign and taxpayer money into his properties with the subtlety of a rhinoceros in a crystal shop.
And let's not forget the nepotism. While Harding appointed friends, Donny Turdman installed his woefully unqualified family members in positions of power, proving that the apple doesn't fall far from the rotten tree.
Policy Disasters: Governing as if Guided by a Drunken Monkey
Harding's Laissez-Faire Nightmare
Harding's economic policy can be summarized as "let the rich get richer and hope some crumbs fall to the poor." His administration slashed taxes for the wealthy, gutted regulations, and worshipped at the altar of unfettered capitalism.
The result? A speculative bubble that would burst spectacularly under his successor, leading to the Great Depression. Harding didn't live to see this catastrophe, dying of a heart attack in 1923, which was probably the most considerate thing he did during his presidency.
On immigration, Harding signed the Emergency Quota Act of 1921, which limited the number of immigrants based on national origin—a thinly veiled attempt to keep America white and Protestant. Xenophobia wrapped in legislative formality.
Donaldo Fartfisted's Policy Diarrhea
If Harding's policies were a slow-acting poison, The Dumping Donald's were a sledgehammer to the face of American governance. His signature legislative achievement—a massive tax cut for corporations and the wealthy—made Harding's trickle-down fantasies look restrained by comparison.
His immigration policies weren't just cruel; they were sadistically theatrical. Separating children from parents, building a wall that Mexico definitely did not pay for, and implementing travel bans that primarily affected Muslim-majority countries—all while wrapping himself in the flag and claiming to be the savior of American values.
On the environment, Donny McFartsalot took a flamethrower to regulations, apparently believing that clean air and water were liberal conspiracies. He pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement because apparently, having a habitable planet is too much to ask.
And then there's the handling of COVID-19. While Harding didn't face a pandemic (having conveniently died before he could fuck that up too), it's hard to imagine he could have done worse than Donaldo McFartface, who suggested injecting disinfectant might be a cure. Let that sink in. The leader of the free world suggested people might want to inject cleaning products. Jesus fucking Christ.
Personal Failings: The Men Behind the Disasters
Harding's Mediocrity and Mistresses
Warren G. Harding knew he was mediocre. "I cannot hope to be one of the great presidents, but perhaps I may be remembered as one of the best loved," he once said. Spoiler alert: he wasn't.
Harding's personal life was as messy as his administration. He conducted a 15-year affair with Carrie Phillips, the wife of a friend, and wrote her explicit letters that would make a porn star blush. Then there was Nan Britton, 30 years his junior, with whom he allegedly fathered a child and had sex in a White House closet.
Despite these scandals, Harding maintained a public image of respectability. His wife, Florence, stood by him, either out of loyalty or political calculation. The press largely looked the other way. Different times.
Donald McStinkface's Character Void
If Harding was merely mediocre, Donaldo McDumpTrump is a black hole of character, sucking in all decency and light within his orbit. The man is what you'd get if you distilled pure narcissism, added a dash of pathological lying, and garnished with the vocabulary of a particularly dim third-grader.
The personal scandals are too numerous to list comprehensively. Three marriages, multiple affairs (including with porn stars while his wife was pregnant), dozens of sexual assault allegations, and a permanent residence in the uncanny valley between reality and his own fantasies.
Unlike Harding, who at least attempted to maintain a veneer of dignity, Donny McDumpstain revels in his crassness. He's not just unrepentant; he's proud of his moral bankruptcy, wearing it like a badge of honor.
Legacy: The Stink That Lingers
Harding's Historical Footnote
Warren G. Harding died in office, preventing him from witnessing the full impact of his administration's failures. In a twisted way, death was his best PR move, allowing for a brief period of public mourning before the scandals fully came to light.
Historians consistently rank Harding among the worst presidents, but time has softened the anger. He's become less a villain and more a cautionary tale—a reminder that being good-looking and saying nothing eloquently is not sufficient qualification for the presidency.
Harding's legacy is a shrug and a footnote. "Remember that guy who was really corrupt and died before things got really bad? Yeah, that one."
The Dump of Dung's Enduring Stench
The legacy of Donald McStinkTrump, however, will not be so easily relegated to a historical footnote. The man has fundamentally altered American politics, possibly permanently. He's legitimized conspiracy theories, normalized vulgarity in public discourse, and transformed political lying from an occasional necessity to an hourly occurrence.
His presidency wasn't just a bad chapter in American history; it was a fucking rewrite of what we thought was possible in a democratic system. He didn't just break norms; he took a sledgehammer to the very concept of presidential behavior.
While Harding's corruption was contained to his administration, Donny McStinkbottom's toxic influence has metastasized throughout the body politic. The polarization, the embrace of alternative facts, the demonization of the press—these are viruses that will continue to infect American democracy long after he's gone.
The Final Verdict: Who Was Worse?
After wading through this swamp of incompetence, corruption, and moral bankruptcy, it's time to render a verdict. Who was the worse president: Warren G. Harding or Donaldo Shitsburger?
The Case for Harding
Harding's administration was undeniably corrupt, his policies retrograde, and his personal life a mess. He appointed criminals to his Cabinet and looked the other way while they looted government coffers. His economic policies helped set the stage for the Great Depression.
But Harding knew his limitations. He never claimed to be a genius or the only one who could fix America's problems. He never attacked the fundamental institutions of democracy. He was a bad president, but he wasn't an existential threat to the republic.
The Case for Donald McNutsack
Trump's corruption wasn't just about money; it was about power. He didn't just appoint criminals; he celebrated them. He didn't just lie; he created an alternative reality. He didn't just push bad policies; he undermined the very concept of truth and facts.
His narcissism wasn't just a character flaw; it was a governing philosophy. His attacks on the press, on judges, on the electoral system—these weren't just the tantrums of a thin-skinned egomaniac; they were calculated assaults on the safeguards of democracy.
And the Loser Is...
After careful consideration of their respective failures, I must conclude that Donaldo McFartson edges out Warren G. Harding for the title of Worst President. Congratulations, you orange shitstain, you've beaten a man who literally said he wasn't fit for office.
Harding was corrupt, incompetent, and morally flawed, but he didn't try to burn down the house on his way out. He didn't incite violence against his political opponents. He didn't suggest that maybe, just maybe, he shouldn't leave office after losing an election.
The true measure of a president isn't just what they do in office—it's what they leave behind. Harding left a mess that could be cleaned up. Donny McStinker has left stains on the American experiment that may never come out.
What This Means for America's Future
This comparison isn't just an exercise in historical mudslinging. It's a warning about what happens when charisma and confidence are mistaken for competence and character.
Harding's presidency teaches us that even the worst administrations can be survived, that America can endure corruption and incompetence at the highest levels and emerge stronger. There's some comfort in that.
But Turdburg Trump's legacy suggests a darker possibility—that our democratic institutions are more fragile than we thought, that the guardrails can be bent if pushed hard enough by someone with no regard for anything but their own power and ego.
The question isn't just who was worse. It's whether we've learned anything from either of them.
Citations:
Ferrell, Robert H. The Strange Deaths of President Harding. University of Missouri Press, 1996.
Woodward, Bob. Rage. Simon & Schuster, 2020.
Want the FULL Story They Don't Want You to Know?
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Well, that was...revealing. It gives hope that we may only need to go through a decade-long depression and a World War to extricate ourselves from the mess we're in. Piece of cake! :)
Nice one Wendy!