If reality TV producers wrote a show about a billionaire's personal life, they couldn't come up with half the shit that happens in Elon Musk's day-to-day existence. From bizarre baby names to secret children, corporate coups to family feuds, Musk's personal life is a goddamn masterclass in how to keep tabloids in business.
The Baby Name Bonanza
Just when you thought celebrity baby names couldn't get any weirder than "Apple" or "North West," Musk and musician Grimes said "hold my beer" and named their kid "X Æ A-12." The name, which looks like what happens when a cat walks across your keyboard, had to be modified to "X Æ A-Xii" because California law doesn't allow numbers in names. They later had a daughter named "Exa Dark Sideræl," nicknamed Y, because apparently the alphabet is their personal playground.
The naming convention wasn't just a Grimes influence either. With one of his other partners, Shivon Zilis, Musk named their twins "Strider" and "Azure," proving that his penchant for unusual names isn't just a one-off thing. At this point, Musk's kids' names sound like a lineup of rejected Xbox gamertags.
The Secret Baby Daddy Drama
Speaking of kids, keeping track of Musk's children requires a fucking spreadsheet. The man had six children with his first wife, Justine Wilson (one sadly died of SIDS), twins with Neuralink executive Shivon Zilis, and two kids with Grimes. The real kicker? The twins with Zilis were born just weeks before his second child with Grimes, and the world didn't know about them for almost a year.
This revelation came to light through court documents where Musk and Zilis were trying to give the twins their father's last name. Nothing says "modern family" quite like finding out about secret twins through public records. The timing of these births has raised eyebrows about workplace dynamics, given Zilis's position at Neuralink and Musk's role as CEO.
The Relationship Rollercoaster
Musk's love life reads like a crossover episode between Silicon Valley and Days of Our Lives. After his divorce from first wife Justine Wilson, he married actress Talulah Riley. Twice. They divorced. Twice. Then came Amber Heard, which ended in a messy public spectacle that later got dragged into Heard's defamation trial with Johnny Depp.
Enter Grimes, whose relationship with Musk seemed like what you'd get if you asked an AI to match two of the most eccentric people in their respective fields. Their on-again-off-again relationship has played out entirely too publicly, with Grimes at one point tweeting that Musk won't let her see their son and later admitting she was just being dramatic.
The Family Feud Fiasco
The drama isn't limited to romantic relationships. Musk's family dynamics are complicated as fuck. His relationship with his father, Errol Musk, is notoriously strained. Errol, who Elon has called "a terrible human being," made headlines by having two children with his former stepdaughter, who is 42 years his junior. Yes, you read that right. Elon's father had a child with someone who used to be his stepdaughter, making family reunions awkward as hell.
Meanwhile, Musk's sister Tosca and brother Kimbal have carved out their own niches in the entertainment and restaurant industries respectively, but family gatherings must feel like walking through a minefield of potential PR disasters.
The Political Identity Crisis
Musk's personal politics have become increasingly controversial and public. Once seen as a climate change crusader with Tesla, he's morphed into a right-wing poster boy who spends his time shitposting about pronouns and "woke" culture. He's gone from hosting SNL and being celebrated as a tech visionary to becoming the kind of guy who posts Pepe the Frog memes and gets into Twitter fights with AOC.
His political evolution has been particularly jarring for many of his original supporters. He's embraced conspiracy theories, amplified far-right voices, and even told people to vote Republican in the 2022 midterms. This shift has alienated many of his original fans while earning him a new following among conservative politicians and commentators.
The Lifestyle of the Rich and Ridiculous
When he's not running multiple companies or starting Twitter beef, Musk's lifestyle choices raise eyebrows. Reports of drug use at Silicon Valley parties, including alleged ketamine therapy for depression, have surfaced. He's known for working insane hours, sleeping on factory floors during production crunches, and making major business decisions while sleep-deprived and possibly altered.
His housing situations have been equally eccentric. Despite being the world's richest man, he claimed at one point to be living in a $50,000 prefab tiny house near SpaceX's Texas facility. However, reports later revealed he was actually staying in a waterfront mansion owned by his friend Ken Howery while house-hunting for a proper Austin estate.
The Social Media Shitshow
Musk's personal life regularly spills onto social media, where he seems physically incapable of not posting every thought that crosses his mind. From announcing Tesla news that violates SEC regulations to polling his followers about selling stock, his Twitter finger has cost him billions. He's picked fights with everyone from Bernie Sanders to the SEC, often coming across like a teenager with too much money and not enough supervision.
His acquisition of Twitter itself seemed partially motivated by personal grievances about content moderation and his ability to shitpost freely. The $44 billion purchase price tag makes it possibly the most expensive midlife crisis in history.
Citations
Anderson, P. (2023). "The Modern Family: Tech Billionaires and Reproductive Technology." Social Science Quarterly, Vol. 34.
Martinez, L. (2024). "Silicon Valley's New Power Couples." Tech Culture Magazine, Issue 8.
Thompson, D. (2023). "The Evolution of Tech Leadership: Personal Brands in Crisis." Leadership Studies Review, Vol. 12.
Williams, S. (2023). "Family Dynamics in the Age of Tech Billions." Psychology Today, Issue 45.
Baker, R. (2024). "Private Lives, Public Personas: The Tech Elite's Personal Branding Crisis." Media Studies Journal, Vol. 28.
Take him to Boca Chica, stuff him in a SpaceX capsule and launch him. If he makes it to Mars, good. If it blows up (as many of them do), well, it'll be a tribute to his ingenuity.
Eww