Frosty the Bible-Thumpin’ Anti-Communist of West Virginia (still) has a Lump in His Stockings for Me

And by that I do mean a hard-on, if only in the ideological sense

The West Virginia Senate and House of Delegates is as busy as can be, having drafted its annual slate of resolutions. Many of which are heartfelt bloviations about the 56 memorial bridges and 16 highways or roads they aim to rename or repurpose, along with 25 special days to commemorate and help dictate our deepest meditative concern over some issue they felt good to take the time to grandstand upon.

They would also, however, amid all that, like to repeal the 16th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, which established the Federal Income Tax, and also repeal the 17th Amendment guaranteeing the right of citizens to elect senators to the United States Congress—thereby recovering those powers to our state legislatures instead.

If that weren’t enough, in addition to proclaiming fetal personhood, they want to establish the Holy Bible, in all its sixty-six glorified books, as the “divinely inspired, inerrant foundational document for our society and government, an accurate historical record of human and natural history, and the utmost authority for human moral behavior.”

Yeah, House Joint Resolution 31, in particular, calls for the Bible to have a “place of prominence and reverence” in every public building, school, state university, and in the laws and policies governing the land and people of West Virginia.

And they want this as an official voter referendum in the next election cycle, to establish it as an amendment to article II of our state constitution.

But hey, on the lighter side of news, what else might get yer blood a-boilin’?

One for the masses

Why, here’s an easy backslapping layup! How’s about naming December 14th “Frosty the Snowman Day?” Never mind Catholics already named it in honor of St. John of the Cross and some animators dubbed it International Monkey Day. Or that it’s the day George Washington died, the day the Apollo 17 lunar mission ended, the day Raold Amundsen became the first to reach the South Pole, or the day Motown Records was founded by Barry Gordy (thanks Google AI!).

No, let’s name December 14th in honor of the release date of the song written by native mountaineer Walter “Jack” Rollins. Wherein our legislators somewhat ruin the vibe by trying to pride-stamp the melty old glob’s eyes as being “made of West Virginia coal.” Yikes! A charming sentiment to consider, given the historic misery of working in the mines, the entirely uncharitable nature of life in the coal camps, and the unholy usury of the industry barons of yore—not to mention one of the longest, most violent labor struggles in all of American history, outside of a war to end actual fuckin’ slavery.

I mean, Frosty might not’ve been melting this past winter, but I know of at least a few mountaineers who didn’t have fuel for their stoves.

But, hey, Frosty the Snowman Day (in Hell) it is!

Point one for Christian values? Sorry, kids, it’s an entirely secular song. Aside from that magic hat and a little holiday good cheer, it really ain’t got shit to mention about the actual un-factual miracles of Christmas, it’s just a seasonal do-good to hum along to and feel a bit festive and light.

Hope you weren’t expecting more than a couple of lumps in that sock-beating you’re going to get from your state legislators who wanna wield the public purse as well as all the stockings?

‘Cause you ain’t gettin’ shit this year, kids…

Trumpty Dumpty shat on a mountain

Next up on the resolution-ers agenda? Why not put forward our own little show of concern with Victims of Communism Day! Which is really no more than a badly written ideological one-pager that banters half-heartedly along in loathing of Marx and various villainous dictatorial maniacs like Stalin and Pol Pot. But, oh, while we’re at it? How’s about we rename Spruce Mountain, the highest in the Allegheny range spanning four states, after our own Abuser-in-Chief because, well, why not smear a nation’s first national recreation area by renaming it “Trump Mountain?”

Well, it ain’t as good as having his face on Rushmore, admittedly, but Spruce Knob, the actual high point in this entire span, we’ll just nickname it “ Trump Lump” and call it a day! I mean, the guy’s a literal knob, so you could just leave it at that, but—Why, I got a new song for you, West Virginia! It’s a little singalong, called “Trump took a dump while he sat on a lump—and you decided to hump his leg for it?”

Well, none of this compares to the gesticulation of concern our Sineaters and House of Sycophants have for titty-twirling “guys” like me. Because this last little ditty really pushes the fuck-me meter past the red line on how stupid some of our delegates are (Coop-Gonzalez, Sheedy, Brooks, Dillion, Foggin, and McGeehan anyone?). So I’m just gonna go ahead and retype, and break down, every fuckin’ sentence of this trash of tax-payer funding known as House Resolution 6, which they lovingly titled: “Recognizing Transgenderism as a Mental Disorder and Affirming the Biological Reality of Two Genders.”

To start with? Fuuuuuck youuuuu (again).

Repeat it long enough, it sticks

There really seems no end or limit to the Republican panache for fulminating on and on about “biological reality.” And by that you can just about imagine what it sounds like—little more than some toothless hillbilly cartoon Dad, educatin’ his nitwit spawn about the birds and the bees:

“There’s really nuttin’ to it, J.R. Some peoples got peckers, others got pockets you put ‘em in. And thay’s really all there is t’ doin’ it. If you gawn mess up tho, out pops a kid from her pocket. Nex’ thing ya know, she’s hoppin’ all over yer head like a kangaroo, screamin’ up and own ‘bout the child support.”

In all seriousness, however… Sound the trumpets, a proclamation from on high is now being made in the form of HR6!

Let it be affirmed by they, the above and aforementioned “legislators” (for whom scare quotes seem statutorily mandatory these days), the West Virginia House of Delegates Illegitimates is “committed to promoting the well-being of all its citizens through policies based on sound scientific understanding and a respect for the values of our state and nation.”

To which I perkedly reply, to what altogether ominous set of proclamations: “Not my wellbeing! Not the science the rest of us have been reading! And fuck all respect for your goddamn values, bruv’nors!”

(Sh)It continues: “Whereas, the biological foundation of human beings has been clear since the beginning of mankind”—screech, pump the brakes again, yo.

No. It has never been all so clear at all…

Case in point: back in the 23^rd Century B.C.E.

The world’s very first named author, daughter of a king and high priestess to her people by the name of Enheduanna—some scholars consider she may have technically been assigned male at birth, living as a transgender woman—wrote in her poem, titled “Passionate Inanna,” that the original Goddess of Love (also known as Ishtar) had the power to “turn a man into a woman, and a woman into a man.” By divine decree, that is, the Queen of Heaven and Earth could undo what nature had designed.

This happened to be a common occurrence throughout Mesopotamian society, where transgenderism was accepted among the holy and political classes, dating as far back as 5,000 to 3,000 BCE, when a class of transgender priests and priestesses know as the Gala held significant political sway. By rise of the Akkadian and Babylonian Empires, gender transgression continued among the holy class as a sacred institution, forming entire separate castes based on their interactions and influential roles within society—not the least of which was sacred prostitution. For this, Inanna/Ishtar, and her many syncretic cognates that came later on throughout recorded history, eventually became known as “The Whore of Babylon” to those of the Abrahamic faith traditions.

But wait! Let’s take our modern delegates’ authority on these matters instead, and see what they have to say about us…

We all know to blave is to bluff (or is it to blible?)

Because they really don’t mean what we think they mean, right? Or do they?

No lie, HR6 continues thusly—“as described in the Holy Scriptures, which state that God created humanity in two distinct sexes, male and female, as recorded in Genesis 1:27: ‘So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.’”

Right. So is God a dude, then? A man-lady? Hermaphroditic? I don’t get it!

Seriously, though, they actually wrote this. Because they don’t have any real scientific justification, only the evidence of the only book that matters, never mind we don’t live in a Christian theocracy (yet?) the Holy Scriptures are—well, what? The oldest source of authority people should ever recognize? Might we just as well organize all our modern cares and concerns around the Code of Hammurabi?

I get how they can just fly in the face of the entire modern medical establishment with regard to “sound scientific understanding” but, Jesus, this really takes the Ishtar cake! And doubles down on calling it an Ear of Haman instead! Everyone with eyes can tell that’s a Pussy Pocket, dudes. Lord or Lady alike, these pontificating charlatans really don’t know their gods and their ancient history (or their pastries, for that matter).

Well, put this is your corncob pipe and smoke it:

“Whereas, It is widely accepted by the scientific community [only, umm, what you’re about to write is really not accepted] that there are only two sexes—male and female—defined by chromosomal, anatomical, and physiological characteristics; and

“Whereas, Transgenderism, or the condition of identifying with a gender other than the one assigned at birth, is a condition that may require [emph. added] psychological intervention, support, and counseling for individuals experiencing distress [ohh, way to use a person’s dysphoria and trauma against them but, uhh, thanks for granting us the caveat of ‘may require’]; and

“Whereas, Studies have shown that the affirmation of transgender identities without comprehensive psychological evaluation and treatment may exacerbate [emph. added] mental health issues, including depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation, particularly in young people [oh, oui, an outlier scenario finally met the caveat, then called in a logical fallacy to support the resting of its case only, ooh la la, ça continue]; and

“Whereas, It is the duty of the government to ensure that citizens, especially minors, receive the appropriate care and guidance, which may include psychological counseling, in accordance with best medical and psychological practices rather than blind affirmation of gender identity claims [ahh, yeah, if it actually is your duty, then you should be furthering practices of providing qualified care to young people who require it instead of making blind assertions that transgenderism is a ‘theory’ and not a lived reality backed by scientific evidence, you motherfuckin’ asshats]; and

“Whereas, The state of West Virginia believes in protecting the health and safety of all children [no you don't, there’s tons of kids who can’t even get a decent meal on a rotating basis in your godforsaken state] and providing them with guidance based on science, compassion, and a commitment to their long-term well-being [which you aren’t doing at all, given you’re too busy trying to block state universities from continuing to be forerunners in trans research and healthcare provision]; and

“Whereas, The affirmation of a biological understanding of sex and gender, grounded in both scientific evidence and moral truths [humorless laughter, endless humorless laughter], should be reflected in the policies of our state and in the care provided to our citizens, especially youth, as they navigate these issues [but instead they are mis-portrayed and their issues misdirected by the very words you’ve written]; therefore, be it Resolved by the House of Delegates [cue fake audience applause]:

“That the West Virginia House of Delegates formally recognizes that: (1) There are only two biological sexes, male and female, and these have been the case since the beginning of human history as described in the Bible, and confirmed by modern science [demonstrably false, as by the above counterargument offered in preface to this utter horseshit]; (2) Transgenderism, understood as a conflict between one's biological sex and gender identity, is a condition that requires careful psychological evaluation and appropriate mental health care, not blind affirmation [true, but the foremost blind affirmation being made is that of those herein ascribing their own false beliefs and authority to the proclamations at hand]; (3) The state of West Virginia encourages all healthcare professionals to prioritize scientifically-supported treatments and psychological support for individuals experiencing gender dysphoria, particularly for minors, to ensure that they receive the best care for their mental health and overall well-being [let’s be real, y’all don’t give a fuck about this, your encouragement isn’t needed, all that’s needed is for you to stop standing in the way of scientific progress]; and (4) The West Virginia House of Delegates will continue to advocate for policies that protect children and ensure they receive care that is both ethical and based on sound psychological and medical practices [no you won’t, because all you’re trying to do here is paint trans people into a corner and, by non-recognition of our legal status, strip us of our dignity and rights, including access to life-affirming healthcare]; and, be it Further Resolved [emph. not mine, but it sure rams home a self-recognition that this has rambled on with the whereasses for long enough already], That the West Virginia House of Delegates encourages citizens to engage in open dialogue about these issues, with an emphasis on understanding, compassion, and respect for the dignity of all individuals, while upholding the importance of biological reality [a: screw your understanding, ‘cause you have so little and, b: take your compassion and shove it, ‘cause you have even less of that than you do understanding and, c: you can kiss respect goodbye, honey, ‘cause we don’t need your opinion of us to have any dignity on the matter, you can stick your dick up your own ass or wrap your pussy around your own damn head if you think we give an aching back-alley piss about your definitions of ‘biological reality’].”

Finally, approaching a short-term coda to this

I’m sick and tired of these people thinking they are the ones who are going to “resolve” my transgender “issue.” I mean, this clearly gives them the perfect rubber stamp to call me “mental” and, by statute of voter registration laws they’re also keen to sharpen the definition thereof, they can revoke my right to register on the basis that I’m “mentally unfit to vote.”

Then, if they slap enough criminal statutes on me for dressing as the opposite gender in public, and make it a crime to claim a trans status on documents filed with a government entity, I’ll be doubly stripped of my right to vote as a felon. All for the crime of wanting to self-identify as something they don’t even deign to consider a biological oddity or even a natural outlier to our shared humanity.

No. There is literally no room in their dogma for trans folx to even exist.

Well, I say to them, “Keep talkin’, and fuck around and find out.” ‘Cause pretty soon we’ll be boilin’ up tar and bringin’ bags of feathers to pluck your asses up and have ourselves a little tickle party. And when we get you in the binds of a revived practice of pillorying folks like you, see who’s making resolutions then!

Diatribes and fantasies aside…

American heritage isn’t really about hate

One of my ancestors came here in 1629 on a ship called the Lyon’s Whelp. The troubled history of what followed isn’t lost on me—I have written about it elsewhere, here on Substack.

Suffice it to say, there are those who fled to this continent for all the promise of a new life, freedom from persecution of every kind, that whole City on a Hill bit. Then there are those who simply saw an opportunity to profit, plain and simple.

Either way, none of us that have come since are altogether great people individually. It is collectively that we rise above our many flaws and fictions.

My point is, I’m about as American as you get. My deadname is listed in the register of The Winthrop Society. And it chaffs my soul to hear white people today acting like they understand persecution, religious or otherwise, as if they feel it’s their right to speak death to a nation, further reinforced by their right to bear arms against it. All the time they're, what? Using this grievance as a justification to persecute others? Who are any of us kidding with this?

If you are currently about the business of trying to persecute trans people, I have news for you. You are trampling on the destiny, the religion, the entire sense of being of a fellow American. And I’ll be damned if I care about your concerns for the fate of this nation. You act like you’re being wedged out by newcomers? All I can say is, Ha! The big fat fuckin’ irony of that.

What’s worse, there’s this whole series of opinion sheets published by the Heritage Foundation, where certain assholes get their big to-do ideas. This isn’t a bunch of people sitting down in rooms, pouring over academic or medical research, then coming to logical conclusions based on the sum totality of scientific consensus.

No. They are literally quoting bullet points crafted for them by an ideological think tank that is shaping the vast majority of the right-wing’s manuscript for pouring out hate on the “liberal left.” Beyond the culture war, they have very little to occupy their concern, aside from exercises in bridge-naming and oh-hallow-day pronouncements. And instead of doing hard work for the taxpayers of the state in which they legislate, they’re relying on some Transgenderism for Idiots guide to sounding as if they even know remotely what the hell they're talking about and are trying to legislate.

Facts? They don’t barter in those. Like so many issues, their one big concern is for grandstanding over shallow wins, like “Frosty the Snowman Day,” and “Victims of Communism Day,” and naming national recreation areas after assholes that half the country still refuses to accept as their self-proclaimed dictator. Well, I for one am happy to turn their bullshit against them.

This is not democracy in action. It’s buffoonery, paid for by billionaires brainwashing the public trust. Sooner or later, it has to stop. Sooner or later, that trust is broken.

To that I kind of think, “Alright, let’s get on with it, then?” Because if the time for listening is over, that’s when I bring out my gun, err, I meant automatic ink-loader.

---

Want a case of brain worms?

Visit: www.heritage.org/gender