Hey Republicans, Jesus Would Tell You To GET FUCKED With No J-Lube

Thanks Lawrence

A Biblical Evisceration of Christian Nationalist Horseshit

The notion that Jesus Christ would support Donald Trump represents the most spectacularly ass-backwards theological clusterfuck in the history of American Christianity. This isn’t just wrong—it’s so fucking wrong it achieves a kind of artistic wrongness, like watching someone try to fuck a light socket while claiming they’re following electrical safety protocols. To suggest that the radical Palestinian Jew who dedicated his life to confronting power, wealth, and religious hypocrisy would somehow endorse a pussy-grabbing, lying, money-worshipping, immigrant-demonizing shitstain like Trump requires a level of biblical illiteracy so profound it should come with its own fucking disability placard.

The Economic Jesus: Enemy of Everything Trump Represents

Let’s start with the most obvious shit: Jesus fucking hated rich people. Not “had concerns about wealth inequality”—actively, viscerally despised the wealthy and their systems of exploitation. The Gospel of Luke alone contains enough anti-wealth rhetoric to make Bernie Sanders look like a moderate Republican.

In Luke 6:24, Jesus delivers the οὐαὶ ὑμῖν τοῖς πλουσίοις (ouai hymin tois plousiois)—“But woe unto you that are rich!” This isn’t a gentle suggestion about the spiritual dangers of wealth; it’s a direct fucking condemnation. The Greek word οὐαὶ (ouai) is an expression of grief and denunciation—essentially, “you’re fucked.”

The parable of Lazarus and the rich man (Luke 16:19-31) presents a wealthy man burning in hell specifically because he ignored a poor man’s suffering while living in luxury. The rich man’s sin wasn’t theft or murder—it was the casual indifference to poverty that characterizes every Trump policy ever conceived. Jesus literally describes this motherfucker roasting in eternal torment for behaving exactly like Trump does every goddamn day.

When the rich young ruler asks about eternal life, Jesus tells him to sell everything and give it to the poor (Matthew 19:21). The man walks away sad, and Jesus responds with that famous line about camels and needle eyes—but the full context is even more brutal: “πάλιν δὲ λέγω ὑμῖν εὐκοπώτερόν ἐστι κάμηλον διὰ τρυπήματος ῥαφίδος εἰσελθεῖν ἢ πλούσιον εἰς τὴν βασιλείαν τοῦ θεοῦ” (palin de legō hymin eukopōteron esti kamēlon dia trypēmatos rhapidos eiselthein ē plousion eis tēn basileian tou theou)—“Again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God” (Matthew 19:24).

This isn’t metaphorical horseshit—Jesus is saying rich people are fundamentally fucked when it comes to spiritual salvation. Trump, who literally gold-plates his toilets while Americans die from rationing insulin, represents everything Jesus opposed about wealth worship.

The Immigrant Jesus: Champion of the Fucking Marginalized

Jesus was a refugee. Full stop. Matthew 2:13-23 describes how his family fled to Egypt to escape Herod’s violence—they were asylum seekers running for their goddamn lives. The idea that this refugee would support Trump’s immigrant-demonizing, child-caging, family-separating policies is so absurdly fucked it defies rational comprehension.

But it goes deeper than biographical irony. Jesus’s entire ministry centered on radical inclusion of the marginalized. The Greek concept of φιλοξενία (philoxenia)—literally “love of strangers”—was fundamental to early Christian ethics. Hebrews 13:2 commands believers to “μὴ ἐπιλανθάνεσθε τῆς φιλοξενίας” (mē epilanthanesthe tēs philoxenias)—“Be not forgetful to entertain strangers.”

Jesus consistently broke social barriers to include the excluded: he ate with tax collectors (considered traitors to their own people), spoke with Samaritan women (double social taboo), touched lepers (ritual contamination), and welcomed children when his disciples tried to send them away. His entire fucking ministry was about tearing down the walls that separate people.

Trump’s signature political achievement was literally building a wall to keep people out. The contrast couldn’t be more stark if Jesus had specifically designed his ministry as an anti-Trump demonstration.

The Anti-Authoritarian Jesus: Scourge of Powerful Shitheads

The money-changers incident (Matthew 21:12-13, Mark 11:15-17, Luke 19:45-46, John 2:13-16) reveals Jesus at his most viscerally angry—and significantly, his rage is directed at religious authorities who exploit people for profit. John’s account describes Jesus making a φραγέλλιον ἐκ σχοινίων (phragellion ek schoiniōn)—“a scourge of small cords”—to literally whip the bastards out of the temple.

This wasn’t a gentle disagreement about appropriate commercial practices. Jesus was fucking furious at the intersection of religious authority and economic exploitation. He calls them a “σπήλαιον λῃστῶν” (spēlaion lēstōn)—“den of thieves.” The Greek word λῃστής (lēstēs) doesn’t just mean thief; it means robber, bandit, insurrectionist—someone who uses violence and deception to steal from others.

Sound familiar? Trump has spent his entire career using his position to enrich himself at others’ expense—from Trump University fraud to charity misappropriation to using the presidency to funnel money into his properties. Jesus would have taken a fucking whip to Mar-a-Lago.

The Radical Ethics: Love Your Enemies, You Absolute Shitlords

Jesus’s most revolutionary teaching might be the commandment to love enemies (Matthew 5:44, Luke 6:27). The Greek phrase “ἀγαπᾶτε τοὺς ἐχθροὺς ὑμῶν” (agapate tous echthrous hymōn) uses ἀγαπάω (agapaō)—the highest form of love, involving active care and concern for another’s wellbeing.

This represents the complete opposite of Trump’s approach to opposition. Trump doesn’t just disagree with political opponents—he demonizes them, calls for their imprisonment, encourages violence against them, and treats political differences as personal vendettas. His entire political brand is built on hatred, revenge, and the destruction of enemies.

Jesus preached radical forgiveness, turning the other cheek, and responding to hatred with love. Trump preaches revenge, retaliation, and never forgetting a slight. The two approaches are so fundamentally incompatible that suggesting Jesus would support Trump is like suggesting Gandhi would endorse nuclear warfare.

The Beatitudes: A Direct Repudiation of Trumpism

The Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5:3-12, Luke 6:20-26) presents Jesus’s clearest articulation of what his kingdom values look like. Let’s examine how spectacularly these principles condemn everything Trump represents:

“Μακάριοι οἱ πτωχοὶ τῷ πνεύματι” (Makarioi hoi ptōchoi tō pneumati)—“Blessed are the poor in spirit”: Jesus blesses those who recognize their spiritual neediness and dependence on God. Trump has never demonstrated humility, spiritual awareness, or acknowledgment of personal limitation. He’s the opposite of poor in spirit—he’s spiritually arrogant, claiming he doesn’t need forgiveness and comparing himself favorably to religious leaders.

“Μακάριοι οἱ πενθοῦντες” (Makarioi hoi penthountes)—“Blessed are they that mourn”: Jesus blesses those who grieve over sin and suffering. Trump has never shown genuine remorse for his actions or empathy for others’ pain. When confronted with his pussy-grabbing comments, he dismissed them as “locker room talk.” When asked about repentance, he said he doesn’t think he’s done anything requiring God’s forgiveness.

“Μακάριοι οἱ πραεῖς” (Makarioi hoi praeis)—“Blessed are the meek”: The Greek word πραύς (praus) describes controlled strength, gentleness, humility. Trump is the opposite—boastful, aggressive, narcissistic. He literally cannot stop talking about how great he is.

“Μακάριοι οἱ δικαιοσύνην” (Makarioi hoi dikaiosynēn)—“Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness”: Jesus blesses those who desperately desire justice and moral rightness. Trump has been found liable for sexual assault, has a history of business fraud, and has consistently used his power to benefit himself at others’ expense.

Every single beatitude represents a direct condemnation of Trump’s character and behavior. The Sermon on the Mount reads like Jesus specifically designed it as an anti-Trump manifesto.

The False Prophet Problem: Recognizing Satanic Shitweasels

Jesus explicitly warned about false prophets who would deceive people using religious language. In Matthew 7:15, he says they come “ἐν ἐνδύμασι προβάτων ἔσωθεν δέ εἰσι λύκοι ἅρπαγες” (en endymasi probatōn esōthen de eisi lykoi harpages)—“in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.”

The test Jesus provides is simple: “ἀπὸ τῶν καρπῶν αὐτῶν ἐπιγνώσεσθε αὐτούς” (apo tōn karpōn autōn epignōsesthe autous)—“by their fruits ye shall know them” (Matthew 7:16). What are Trump’s fruits? Hatred, division, dishonesty, sexual assault, financial corruption, and systematic cruelty toward the vulnerable.

Jesus continues: “οὐ πᾶς ὁ λέγων μοι κύριε κύριε εἰσελεύσεται εἰς τὴν βασιλείαν τῶν οὐρανῶν” (ou pas ho legōn moi kyrie kyrie eiseleusetai eis tēn basileian tōn ouranōn)—“Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 7:21). Trump’s performative Christianity—holding a Bible upside down for photo ops while tear-gassing peaceful protesters—represents exactly the kind of false piety Jesus condemned.

The Pharisee Parallel: Religious Hypocrisy and Political Power

Jesus’s harshest condemnations were reserved for religious leaders who used their positions for personal gain while neglecting justice and mercy. Matthew 23 contains a sustained assault on Pharisaic hypocrisy that reads like a description of modern evangelical Trump supporters:

Verse 5: “πάντα δὲ τὰ ἔργα αὐτῶν ποιοῦσι πρὸς τὸ θεαθῆναι τοῖς ἀνθρώποις” (panta de ta erga autōn poiousin pros to theathēnai tois anthrōpois)—“But all their works they do for to be seen of men.” Trump’s entire relationship with Christianity is performative—designed to be seen and to gain political advantage.

Verse 13: “κλείετε τὴν βασιλείαν τῶν οὐρανῶν ἔμπροσθεν τῶν ἀνθρώπων” (kleiete tēn basileian tōn ouranōn emprosthen tōn anthrōpōn)—“for ye shut up the kingdom of heaven against men.” Trump’s version of Christianity turns people away from authentic faith by associating it with hatred, greed, and political power.

Verse 25: “καθαρίζετε τὸ ἔξωθεν τοῦ ποτηρίου καὶ τῆς παροψίδος ἔσωθεν δὲ γέμουσιν ἐξ ἁρπαγῆς καὶ ἀκρασίας” (katharizete to exōthen tou potēriou kai tēs paropsidos esōthen de gemousin ex harpagēs kai akrasias)—“ye make clean the outside of the cup and of the platter, but within they are full of extortion and excess.” This perfectly describes Trump’s relationship to Christianity—maintaining external religious appearances while being internally corrupt.

The Gender Fuckery: Jesus’s Radical Inclusion vs. Trump’s Misogyny

Jesus’s treatment of women was revolutionary for his time and directly contradicts Trump’s documented misogyny. In a culture where women were considered property, Jesus:

• Included women in his traveling ministry (Luke 8:1-3)

• Chose women as the first witnesses to his resurrection (Matthew 28:1-10)

• Defended women against religious condemnation (John 8:1-11)

• Engaged in theological discussion with women (John 4:1-42)

• Praised women’s faith and devotion (Luke 7:36-50)

The Greek word διάκονος (diakonos) used to describe these women’s service is the same word used for male disciples—Jesus treated women as equal participants in his ministry.

Trump, meanwhile, has been found liable for sexual assault, has bragged about grabbing women’s genitals without consent, has made countless misogynistic comments, and has appointed judges specifically to restrict women’s reproductive rights. The contrast couldn’t be more fucking stark.

The Children Question: Protecting the Vulnerable vs. Systematic Cruelty

Jesus’s famous statement about children—“ἄφετε τὰ παιδία καὶ μὴ κωλύετε αὐτὰ ἐλθεῖν πρός με τῶν γὰρ τοιούτων ἐστὶν ἡ βασιλεία τῶν οὐρανῶν” (aphete ta paidia kai mē kōlyete auta elthein pros me tōn gar toioutōn estin hē basileia tōn ouranōn)—“Suffer the little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 19:14)—establishes children as especially beloved and protected.

Jesus also delivered one of his most severe warnings about harming children: “ὃς δ᾽ ἂν σκανδαλίσῃ ἕνα τῶν μικρῶν τούτων τῶν πιστευόντων εἰς ἐμέ συμφέρει αὐτῷ ἵνα κρεμασθῇ μύλος ὀνικὸς περὶ τὸν τράχηλον αὐτοῦ καὶ καταποντισθῇ ἐν τῷ πελάγει τῆς θαλάσσης” (hos d’ an skandalisē hena tōn mikrōn toutōn tōn pisteuontōn eis eme sympherei autō hina kremasthē mylos onikos peri ton trachēlon autou kai katapontisthē en tō pelagei tēs thalassēs)—“But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea” (Matthew 18:6).

Trump’s administration systematically separated children from their parents at the border—some permanently. They put children in cages, denied them basic necessities, and traumatized them for life as a deliberate policy choice. If Jesus’s millstone warning applies to anyone, it applies to the architect of family separation policies.

The Truth Question: Jesus vs. the Father of Lies

Jesus claimed to be truth itself: “ἐγώ εἰμι ἡ ὁδὸς καὶ ἡ ἀλήθεια καὶ ἡ ζωή” (egō eimi hē hodos kai hē alētheia kai hē zōē)—“I am the way, the truth, and the life” (John 14:6). The Greek word ἀλήθεια (alētheia) means not just factual accuracy but unveiled reality—the opposite of deception and concealment.

Trump, meanwhile, told over 30,000 documented lies during his presidency. He lies compulsively, pathologically, and strategically. Jesus identified the source of such behavior in John 8:44: “ὑμεῖς ἐκ τοῦ πατρὸς τοῦ διαβόλου ἐστὲ καὶ τὰς ἐπιθυμίας τοῦ πατρὸς ὑμῶν θέλετε ποιεῖν ἐκεῖνος ἀνθρωποκτόνος ἦν ἀπ᾽ ἀρχῆς καὶ ἐν τῇ ἀληθείᾳ οὐκ ἔστηκεν ὅτι οὐκ ἔστιν ἀλήθεια ἐν αὐτῷ ὅταν λαλῇ τὸ ψεῦδος ἐκ τῶν ἰδίων λαλεῖ ὅτι ψεύστης ἐστὶν καὶ ὁ πατὴρ αὐτοῦ” (hymeis ek tou patros tou diabolou este kai tas epithymias tou patros hymōn thelete poiein ekeinos anthrōpoktonos ēn ap’ archēs kai en tē alētheia ouk estēken hoti ouk estin alētheia en autō hotan lalē to pseudos ek tōn idiōn lalei hoti pseustēs estin kai ho patēr autou)—“Ye are of your father the devil, and the lusts of your father ye will do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and abode not in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaketh a lie, he speaketh of his own: for he is a liar, and the father of it.”

The connection couldn’t be clearer: Jesus represents truth; Trump represents lies. Jesus identifies lying as literally satanic behavior.

The Greed Condemnation: Mammon vs. God

Jesus explicitly stated that serving wealth and serving God are mutually exclusive: “οὐδεὶς δύναται δυσὶ κυρίοις δουλεύειν ἢ γὰρ τὸν ἕνα μισήσει καὶ τὸν ἕτερον ἀγαπήσει ἢ ἑνὸς ἀνθέξεται καὶ τοῦ ἑτέρου καταφρονήσει οὐ δύνασθε θεῷ δουλεύειν καὶ μαμωνᾷ” (oudeis dynatai dysi kyriois douleuein ē gar ton hena misēsei kai ton heteron agapēsei ē henos anthexetai kai tou heterou kataphronēsei ou dynasthe theō douleuein kai mamōna)—“No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon” (Matthew 6:24).

The Aramaic word mammon (μαμωνᾶς in Greek) refers to wealth as an object of worship and trust. Trump has spent his entire life worshipping wealth—his identity is completely wrapped up in being rich, his buildings are monuments to his wealth, and his policies consistently prioritize money over human welfare.

Jesus told the rich young ruler that wealth was the specific barrier preventing him from following Christ. Trump has never shown the slightest willingness to sacrifice wealth for moral principles—instead, he consistently sacrifices moral principles for wealth.

The Violence Question: Peace vs. Sword

While Jesus spoke of bringing a sword (Matthew 10:34), the context makes clear this refers to the divisive nature of his message, not literal violence. When Peter drew a sword to defend Jesus, Christ commanded him to put it away: “ἀπόστρεψον τὴν μάχαιράν σου εἰς τὸν τόπον αὐτῆς πάντες γὰρ οἱ λαβόντες μάχαιραν ἐν μαχαίρῃ ἀπολοῦνται” (apostrepson tēn machairan sou eis ton topon autēs pantes gar hoi labontes machairan en machairē apolountai)—“Put up again thy sword into his place: for all they that take the sword shall perish with the sword” (Matthew 26:52).

Jesus chose non-violence even unto death. Trump, meanwhile, has encouraged violence against protesters, suggested shooting protesters, pardoned war criminals, and fomented a violent insurrection against the Capitol.

The Final Fucking Verdict: Jesus Would Exorcise Trump

The biblical evidence is overwhelming and unambiguous: Jesus Christ would not only refuse to support Donald Trump—he would recognize Trump as representing everything he opposed. Trump embodies the wealthy oppressor, the lying pharisee, the false prophet, the wolf in sheep’s clothing that Jesus consistently condemned.

If Jesus encountered Trump, he wouldn’t shake his hand or seek his endorsement. He would grab a fucking whip and drive this money-changing, truth-destroying, child-harming, immigrant-demonizing piece of shit out of the temple of American democracy.

The Jesus of the Gospels—the refugee, the advocate for the poor, the friend of outcasts, the enemy of religious hypocrisy, the champion of truth, the protector of children, the includer of the marginalized—would look at Donald Trump and see exactly what he spent his ministry opposing: a powerful man who uses religious language to justify oppressing the vulnerable for personal gain.

To suggest otherwise isn’t just biblically illiterate—it’s a blasphemous inversion of everything Jesus taught and lived. It’s taking the name of Christ in vain to baptize the very sins that nailed him to a cross.

Anyone who claims Jesus would support Trump has either never read the fucking Bible or has achieved a level of cognitive dissonance that approaches clinical delusion. The Jesus of the New Testament would tell Donald Trump to repent or go straight to hell—and given Trump’s demonstrated incapacity for genuine repentance, that pretty much settles the question.