Gulfing the Bottom
Donny McShitpants is wrapping up his Middle Eastern parade, strutting around like a peacock in heat. The bastard's been in Saudi Arabia and Qatar, snatching billions in "investments" - code for buying American favors with blood money. Now he's prancing through Abu Dhabi for another ass-kissing ceremony while actual diplomatic work happens in Turkey without him. The stench of his cologne hangs in the Sheikh Zayed Grand Mosque as he pretends to give a fuck about another culture.
SCOTUS Showdown
While Turdbucket Trump plays tourist, the Supreme Court's preparing to hear arguments on his sick attempt to strip birthright citizenship. Lines formed overnight outside the courthouse—actual Americans giving a damn about their Constitution while this wannabe tyrant posts on Truth Social calling us "SUCKERS." The administration isn't even asking to lift all restrictions, just enough to start experimenting on expectant mothers in Republican-controlled states. The court's real focus? Whether judges can block his bullshit nationwide or just for those brave enough to sue.
Fetterman, Falling Apart
Pennsylvania Senator John Fetterman's telling former staffers to fuck off for their "bizarre grudge" after they raised alarms about his mental state. The man who was hospitalized for depression in 2023 is quoting "Goodfellas" like it's normal political discourse: "everyone takes a beating sometimes." His former chief of staff warns he's erratic and potentially dangerous to himself, but Fetterman insists he's staying put in the Senate. The sweat-stained disconnect between public images and private realities feels like watching a slow-motion car crash.
Mike Johnson Riding the House Dildo
Speaker Johnson is desperately trying to convince his own party not to torpedo Donald McNutsack's domestic agenda. The Louisiana Republican is sweating through his suit, trapped between Trump loyalists and the few remaining Republicans with functioning brain stems. The sickening dance of power continues while actual governance burns to the ground. Johnson's spine has dissolved so completely you could pour him into a glass.
Putin the Pussy
Trumpy McShitface bragged that Putin skipped peace talks in Turkey because HE wasn't attending. "Why would he go if I'm not going?" The narcissistic delusion reeks like month-old milk. He floated possibly showing up Friday—a transparent lie to make himself seem important while Ukrainians continue dying. The bitter taste of American absence hangs in the air as diplomats try working around the egomaniac in the White House.
Fighter Jet Instruction Manual
Trump rambled about imaginary "F-55" fighter jets with two engines because "I don't like single engines." The technical ignorance is so fucking profound it makes your teeth hurt. He promised "super" versions of existing jets if "we get the right price"—reducing national defense to the same bullshit haggling he used selling condos. Military experts probably needed medical attention after hearing his aviation word salad.
The Gaza Kill Zone Labeled “Free”
In the most delusional proposal yet, Donald McStinkface suggested America should "take" Gaza and make it a "freedom zone." The audacity drips like grease from a cheap burger—proposing colonial occupation as a humanitarian solution. The stomach-churning fantasy ignores the region's history, sovereignty, and reality on the ground. This half-baked brain fart emerged during a business roundtable in Qatar, where Arab leaders likely struggled to maintain diplomatic faces.
Iranian Nukes, Lies and VideoTape
Trump McFartmaster claimed Iran "sort of agreed" to nuclear restrictions, calling weapons "nuclear dust" like a kindergartner explaining physics. The vague, substance-free update felt like watching a child pretend to drive a car. His statement about wanting Iran "to succeed" and "be a great country" contradicts every policy position he's held. The hollow words evaporate into the air conditioning of the luxury hotel meeting room.
Citations
TheHill.com 2025 “Live updates: Supreme Court hears birthright citizenship arguments; Trump wraps Middle East swing”
Brooks, E. 2025 “Warring GOP factions enter Speaker's office to hash out Trump tax bill” The Hill
Bolton A, 2025 “Fetterman on reported health concerns: Former staffers have a ‘bizarre grudge’” The Hill
Schonfeld, Z. 2025 “Supreme Court argument line forms” The Hill
I truly feel sorry for Fetterman because I can understand exactly how he must be feeling.
I’ve quit calling myself a Christian. Surely hell can’t be any worse than existing in a country that is indifferent on a daily basis to the country being complicit to genocide (and I don’t mean white South Africans), starvation and disease is treated with indifference, women are only incubators, people are systematically being deprived of livelihoods and healthcare and the rich get richer. How fucking much more before I explode ?