Matt Gaetz: Tiny Wee Wee Syndrome

AKA: He is a titwaffle and here is why

Alright, let’s dive into the utter shitshow that has been the lead-up to the impending release of the ethics report on Matt Gaetz. Buckle up, because this guy’s rap sheet (alleged, but come on) reads like a soap opera written by someone who’s just discovered cocaine. Here's the chronological rundown of Gaetz’s greatest hits (of dubious legality) and how we ended up here, waiting for the Ethics Committee to drop their bombshell report.

The Early Days: Setting the Stage for Scandal

Before Gaetz even hit Congress, he was already dipping his toes into the murky waters of controversy. In 2008, he was arrested for DUI in Okaloosa County, Florida. The charges were ultimately dropped because apparently, being a rich kid with connections is the best legal defense.

Fast forward to 2016, Gaetz slides into Congress riding on his daddy’s money and name. For those keeping score, Gaetz’s father, Don Gaetz, is a former Florida Senate President and a literal millionaire—connections that’ll come up again in this mess.

2017: The Twitter Troll Phase

In 2017, Gaetz started making headlines for being a loudmouth MAGA troll. At this point, his shadiness was mostly rhetorical—defending Trump at every turn, backing conspiracy theories, and generally being a colossal pain in the ass. However, whispers about his personal behavior were already making the rounds in D.C. circles.

2018-2020: Gaetz, Venmo, and Sketchy AF Behavior

Things got really spicy in 2020 when Joel Greenberg, a close associate of Gaetz and Seminole County’s tax collector, was indicted on a smorgasbord of charges including identity theft, wire fraud, and… wait for it… sex trafficking. Greenberg’s downfall was like a ticking time bomb for Gaetz.

During this period, allegations started cropping up about Gaetz’s fondness for Venmo transactions with… questionable notes. In 2018, Gaetz allegedly sent $900 via Venmo to Greenberg, who then sent money to three young women with notes like “Tuition” and “School.” Real subtle, Matt.

By 2020, rumors of Gaetz’s involvement in sex trafficking and underage girls were swirling. Greenberg, facing a metric fuckton of charges, started cooperating with federal authorities, and suddenly, Gaetz’s name was all over the news.

2021: The Scandal Explodes

Here’s where shit truly hit the fan. In early 2021, The New York Times reported that Gaetz was under investigation by the Department of Justice for alleged sex trafficking of a minor. Specifically, investigators were looking into whether Gaetz paid for a 17-year-old to travel across state lines for sex—which, if true, is a felony and also, y’know, disgusting.

Gaetz’s defense? He went on Tucker Carlson and made things so much worse. In what has to be one of the cringiest interviews of all time, Gaetz tried to spin a bizarre story about being extorted by former DOJ officials. Carlson’s face throughout the interview said it all: dude was not buying it.

Meanwhile, more reports emerged detailing Gaetz’s allegedly wild lifestyle, complete with ecstasy-fueled parties and a penchant for sugar daddy websites.

The Ethics Committee Steps In

By mid-2021, the House Ethics Committee announced that they were launching their own investigation into Gaetz. This probe would focus on a range of issues, from the sex trafficking allegations to whether Gaetz misused campaign funds to finance his ‘‘fun times.’’

As Greenberg continued spilling his guts to investigators, the walls were closing in on Gaetz. Reports suggested that Greenberg provided damning evidence, including receipts, texts, and witness testimony linking Gaetz to illegal activities.

2022: The Slow Burn

Despite the mountain of allegations, Gaetz remained defiant. He spent 2022 doubling down on his MAGA rhetoric, playing the victim, and railing against the “deep state” like a broken record. However, behind the scenes, things weren’t looking good.

The DOJ’s investigation dragged on, likely complicated by the complexity of proving sex trafficking cases and Gaetz’s insistence that this was all a political hit job. Meanwhile, whispers about the Ethics Committee’s findings suggested that they were taking their time to build an ironclad case.

2023: Gaetz Resigns

In November 2023, Gaetz resigned from Congress. Most observers believe this move was an attempt to prevent the release of the Ethics Committee’s report, giving Republicans an excuse to claim it’s no longer relevant. While he’s been "nominated" for a post in Trump’s prospective administration, the nomination isn’t official since Trump isn’t currently in office. The timing of Gaetz’s resignation—long before confirmation would have been required—strongly suggests that the contents of the report are damning enough to force his hand.

Now: The Ethics Report Is Coming

As of now, the Ethics Committee is set to release their report on Gaetz. Word on the street is that it’s going to be a scorcher. The report is expected to detail everything from his alleged involvement in sex trafficking to potential misuse of campaign funds. While some argue this could end his political career, others point to figures like Trump and Rick Scott as examples of politicians who thrived despite scandals. Florida voters, after all, don’t exactly have a track record of punishing bad behavior.

Gaetz, of course, continues to deny everything. He’s accused the Ethics Committee of being a partisan hack job and insists that he’s done nothing wrong. But considering the sheer volume of evidence, it’s hard to see how he wriggles out of this one.

The Fallout

The big question now is: what happens after the report drops? If the allegations are as damning as they seem, Gaetz could face further scrutiny, even outside of Congress. But whether this truly marks the end of his political career is anyone’s guess. After all, figures like Trump and Scott have shown that scandals don’t necessarily end political ambitions.

One thing’s for sure: this report is going to be a wild ride, and the fallout will be one for the history books. Whether Gaetz ends up behind bars or just becomes another disgraced politician, his days of dodging accountability are numbered.

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Citations

1. New York Times, 2021: Report on DOJ investigation into Gaetz.

2. Orlando Sentinel, 2020: Coverage of Joel Greenberg’s indictment and cooperation.

3. House Ethics Committee press releases, 2021-2023.

4. The Daily Beast, 2021: Reporting on Gaetz’s Venmo transactions.

5. Greenberg plea agreement and DOJ filings, 2022.

6. Politico, 2023: Updates on the Ethics Committee’s investigation progress.