Mike Johnson: Today is Your F*cking Day, So Let Us Do a Retrospective
Because Mike Johnson is an Idiot.
Let’s talk about Mike Johnson—a man whose political career has been as messy as a dropped plate of spaghetti at a family dinner, where years later you find a smudge of sauce on the wall. Before he strutted into the role of Speaker of the House, he was just another right-wing Congressman doing what they do best: stirring the pot, pissing people off, and doubling down on polarizing policies. Buckle up for this shit, because Wendy does NOT like this person, and neither should you.
Early Days in Congress: Enter the Chaos
Mike Johnson stepped into Congress in 2017, representing Louisiana’s 4th District. This right off should tell you something out of the gate. His state of origin does not have a good track record. Grumble…mumble…David Duke….Grumble..Mumble….KKK National Director. Did I just say that out loud? Oops. Sorry. So back to Mike Johnson. A lawyer by trade, Johnson didn’t waste any time making it clear where he stood: smack dab in the middle of the MAGA crowd. He rode the Trump wave like a pro surfer, pledging his allegiance to "America First" policies and quickly earning a reputation as a staunch social conservative. Think Ted Cruz, but somehow less charismatic.
Anti-LGBTQ+ Crusades
One of the first things Johnson did was push anti-LGBTQ+ legislation because, apparently, people loving who they love is his personal business, and fuck anyone trying to be happy. He’s been vocal about his disdain for same-sex marriage and has consistently backed bills that would erode protections for LGBTQ+ individuals. In 2021, he opposed the Equality Act, which aimed to prohibit discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity. He called it a "radical assault on religious freedom." Fucking Christians. Really? This is the face you idiots wear?
Translation: He’d rather let discrimination slide as long as it’s done under the guise of "religious beliefs."
Abortion? Hell No.
Johnson’s stance on abortion is about as hardline as it gets. He’s supported multiple bills to restrict access to abortion, including a 20-week abortion ban and legislation that would make it harder for clinics to operate. He’s even floated the idea of a national abortion ban, which had pro-choice advocates and women across the country collectively facepalming.
His rhetoric around the issue? Full of biblical references and apocalyptic language, like women making choices about their own bodies is somehow the end of civilization.
Election Denial and the Big Lie
Oh, here’s a fun chapter: Johnson was one of the loudest cheerleaders of Trump’s election fraud claims in 2020. He backed lawsuits that sought to overturn the results, including the infamous Texas lawsuit that tried to invalidate votes in key swing states. Thankfully, the Supreme Court laughed that one out of the room.
But Johnson didn’t stop there. He was a key player in the effort to object to the certification of Electoral College votes on January 6, 2021. While he didn’t storm the Capitol himself (because, you know, optics), his actions helped fan the flames of the insurrection. Afterward, he tried to downplay his role, as if everyone would just forget he’d been waving the "Stop the Steal" flag like it was a damn baton.
A Love Affair with Guns
Mike Johnson loves guns almost as much as he loves stirring up controversy. He’s got an A+ rating from the NRA and has consistently opposed gun control measures, even in the face of mass shootings. Universal background checks? Nah. Assault weapons ban? Hell no. For Johnson, it’s all about "protecting the Second Amendment," even if it means ignoring the very real consequences of gun violence in America.
Climate Change? What Climate Change?
If you were hoping for any kind of leadership on environmental issues, don’t look at Mike Johnson. He’s part of the "climate change isn’t real" crowd, voting against bills that aim to reduce carbon emissions or invest in renewable energy. He’s all about drilling, fracking, and squeezing every last drop of oil out of the ground, consequences be damned.
When asked about climate policies, his answers usually sound like they were ripped straight from a fossil fuel lobbyist’s playbook. It’s almost impressive how blatantly he ignores scientific consensus.
Culture Wars: Johnson’s Playground
Mike Johnson didn’t just dip his toes into the culture wars; he cannonballed right in. From railing against critical race theory to opposing transgender rights, he’s made it clear that he’s more interested in playing to his base than actually governing.
Critical Race Theory (CRT)
Johnson’s been one of the loudest voices against CRT, which he claims is dividing America. Never mind that CRT is mostly an academic framework discussed in higher education; Johnson and his crew made it the boogeyman of public schools. He’s supported legislation to ban the teaching of anything that might make students feel "guilty" about America’s history of racism. Because, apparently, learning history accurately is a radical concept.
Transgender Rights
Johnson’s been relentless in opposing transgender rights, particularly when it comes to trans kids. He’s backed bills that would ban transgender athletes from competing in school sports and has opposed measures aimed at protecting trans youth from discrimination. He frames it as "protecting women’s sports," but we all know it’s just a thinly veiled attempt to marginalize an already vulnerable group.
Ethics and Hypocrisy
For a guy who loves to preach about morality, Johnson’s career hasn’t been without its ethical questions. He’s been criticized for his ties to dark money groups and has received campaign donations from some shady-as-hell sources. Not illegal, sure, but definitely eyebrow-raising.
And let’s not forget his tendency to cherry-pick morality. He’s all about "Christian values" when it comes to restricting other people’s rights, but when it comes to actually helping the poor or addressing systemic inequality? Crickets.
Why All This Matters
Mike Johnson’s rise to power isn’t just another political story; it’s a cautionary tale about how far-right ideologies can infiltrate mainstream politics. He’s not some fringe figure anymore; he’s a guy who’s been handed the Speaker’s gavel, which means his policies and beliefs are now front and center.
If his past is any indication, we’re in for a bumpy ride. Johnson’s record shows that he’s less interested in uniting people and more focused on pushing divisive, partisan policies. And while his supporters might love him for it, the rest of us are left wondering how the hell we got here.
Citations:
"Mike Johnson’s Legislative Record on LGBTQ+ Rights." Human Rights Campaign, 2021.
"The Texas Lawsuit and Congressional Objections: Mike Johnson’s Role." Congressional Quarterly, 2021.
"Gun Control Votes: NRA Ratings for Members of Congress." Brady Campaign, 2020.
"Critical Race Theory and Conservative Legislation." Brookings Institution, 2022.
"Climate Change Votes in Congress: Who’s Holding Us Back?" Sierra Club, 2020.