Because starting a relationship is hard enough without society's bullshit
Starting a new relationship is already a complex dance of vulnerability, communication, and boundary-setting—and as a transgender person, there are additional layers to navigate. Let me break this down in a way that's actually useful and addresses what you're really asking about.
The Early Days: Setting the Foundation
First off, congratulations on your new relationship! That shit is exciting regardless of who you are. But let's get real about what makes this unique for you.
When you're transgender, a new relationship involves decisions about disclosure, safety, and authenticity that cisgender people rarely have to consider. The first question you should ask yourself is brutally simple: Do I feel safe with this person? This isn't just about physical safety (though that's crucial), but emotional safety too.
Research from the Williams Institute shows that transgender people experience discrimination in relationships at significantly higher rates than cisgender individuals. This isn't meant to scare you—just to validate that your concerns are legitimate and grounded in reality.
Authenticity vs. Protection: The Delicate Balance
Ask yourself: How much of my transgender identity and journey am I comfortable sharing right now? There's no fucking rulebook here. Some people prefer complete transparency from day one, while others share their journey gradually as trust builds.
Remember this: You don't owe anyone your story. Your transition, your medical history, your deadname—these are yours to share on your terms, when you feel ready. A 2021 study in the Journal of Sex Research found that transgender people who felt in control of their own disclosure narratives reported more satisfying relationships overall.
Your new partner might have questions or uncertainties—that's normal. What matters is how they approach them. Are they asking to understand you better, or to satisfy their own curiosity? The difference matters.
Sexual Intimacy: Navigating the Bedroom
Let's address the elephant in the room: sex and physical intimacy can be complicated territory for many transgender people. Ask yourself: What are my boundaries around physical intimacy, and can I communicate them clearly?
This is where many relationships hit their first real test. Gender euphoria and dysphoria can fluctuate day to day, affecting how comfortable you feel with different types of touch or terminology for your body.
A practical tip that's helped many transgender people: Create a simple system with your partner. Some use color codes (green for comfortable, yellow for unsure, red for not today) to communicate quickly about body boundaries without having to explain in the moment.
Future Vision: Alignment Check
Here's a question many people forget until it's too late: Do our futures align? If you have transition-related goals ahead (surgery, hormone therapy, legal changes), is your partner supportive of these steps? If you want children someday, have you discussed options like adoption, surrogacy, or fertility preservation?
These conversations can feel heavy for a new relationship, but they matter. A 2022 survey from the Trevor Project found that transgender people whose partners actively supported their transition goals reported 67% higher relationship satisfaction.
The Community Question
Ask yourself: How does this person fit with my existing support network? This is critical. Your friends, especially other transgender and LGBTQ+ friends, often have valuable insights about your new partner that you might miss in the fog of new relationship energy.
Listen if they raise concerns. They're not trying to rain on your parade—they're looking out for you because they know the specific challenges you face.
Practical Tools for Navigation
Here are some concrete strategies that have helped other transgender people in new relationships:
Set communication check-ins. Schedule regular times to talk about how you're both feeling about the relationship. This prevents issues from festering.
Find your advocates. Identify at least two people outside your relationship who understand your transgender experience and can offer support.
Create a dysphoria plan. Work with your partner to establish what helps during moments of gender dysphoria. Does touch help or hurt? Do you need space or closeness?
Document your boundaries. It might sound clinical, but writing down your boundaries around terminology, touch, and disclosure can prevent misunderstandings.
When Shit Gets Hard
Because it will, sometimes. Every relationship faces challenges, and yours will have some unique ones. Ask yourself: When conflict arises, do we fight about my transgender identity, or do we fight about normal relationship stuff?
If your transgender identity becomes a weapon in arguments, that's a serious red flag. Healthy partners don't use your gender identity against you, even in heated moments.
Conclusion: The Ultimate Question
The most important question isn't about your partner—it's about you: Am I becoming more or less myself in this relationship?
The best relationships help us grow into more authentic versions of ourselves. This is especially crucial for transgender people, who have often spent years unable to express their true selves.
You deserve a relationship where your transgender identity is not just accepted but celebrated—where it's seen as one of the many beautiful facets that make you uniquely you.
The road ahead may have its bumps, but remember: you've already done the hardest part by living authentically. This relationship stuff? You've got this.
References:
James, S. E., Herman, J. L., Rankin, S., Keisling, M., Mottet, L., & Anafi, M. (2022). The Report of the 2021 U.S. Transgender Survey. Washington, DC: National Center for Transgender Equality.
Matsick, J. L., & Rubin, J. D. (2022). "Sexual Configurations Theory: Applying a Pleasure-Positive, Intersectional Framework to Transgender Relationships." Journal of Sex Research, 59(5), 622-635.
Nieto-Andrade, B. (2021). "Transgender Identity Disclosure and Partner Responsiveness: Implications for Relationship Satisfaction." Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 38(4), 1128-1149.
The Trevor Project. (2022). National Survey on LGBTQ Youth Mental Health.
Williams Institute. (2023). "Discrimination Experiences of LGBTQ+ Adults in the United States."
Thank you again. This helps me, as a cis, understand what my trans friends need from me in the way of support. Knowing is Knowing. ❤️
Very smart piece. I know when my spouse was transitioning gosh maybe 17 years now he said often he was so happy that he was in a relationship already and based on the experience of many of our trans friends, I completely understand why. Transition is really tough on a relationship so we do know folks that have broken up over it, but we know more people who have stayed together.
But in terms of dating and putting yourself out there for trans women in particular, it’s incredibly unsafe in some ways. You’re subjected to all the same misogyny and sexism and violence that’s heap on ALL women (cis or trans) but there’s also an underlying phobia and reaction that comes with having been assigned mail at birth. No matter where you are in your transition. You can be as fully transitioned as possible, meaning undressed you could be built no different when compared to the average Playboy model (I know that’s a dated reference but I grew up in the 60s and 70s so Playboy models were always my icons of female beauty so please forgive me for not thinking of a better reference here, but I digress…) You can be a superlative and beautiful woman who has all the same physical parts that a cis woman does, and your day can hear the words transgender, trans, transition, so many others, and they immediately think “you’re a man” (and because they’re so homophobic that they’re also trans phobic and they lash out and commit violence). I have yet to meet a working class trans woman (or any trans woman of color) who has not experienced something like this.
There are plenty of great men out there, who love trans women, there are plenty of great men out there who see that women or women, regardless of what they were assigned at birth, there’s plenty of great men out there who once identified as gay and transitioned with a partner and now identify as Bisexual because our partner is female. Those all exist in encourage you to keep looking for those if you are a trans woman. But I do know that you are putting yourself out there in a way that must be terrifying, emotionally and sometimes physically.
My trans male friends have had it much easier in terms of partnerships, but I do think that’s because women are less likely to beat you up if they find out that you were once assigned female of birth. Women are a little bit slower to that kind of violence but that doesn’t mean that finding out late in a relationship that you are not exactly the gender man they thought you were won’t cause them pain.
I like her suggestions here to really give thought to disclosure when how because I know it’s such a juggling game in terms of letting people know the real you before they judge you. But I feel like it’s safer to know right away if they’re gonna react poorly to the news. As a queer person who has used labels that include bisexual, lesbian, queer, nonbinary, and gay at different times, I had this debate with other LGBQ people in the past too. When I was first coming out, and there was protesting and trying to stop AIDS and anti-queer activities, I came out before anybody could ask, before anybody could get to know me. I was often told by people older than me (because I was very young) that I should let people get to know me first and then come out.
Over the years I’ve seen how that can be very successful for some people, but that’s not me. My relationships have been the cornerstones of my life and I don’t really believe our private life should stay private. You talk about your wife, I talk about mine. Later, when people asked me about my husband’s genitals because everybody does, when your partner is trans, I would say let’s talk about your wife’s vagina first and then shut down the . I’d much rather tell you immediately upon meeting that I’m queer, that my husband is trans, that we both ID as queer, even if we’ve been monogamous for decades, just so there’s no way you can blow up at me later and there’s also no way for you to say, “well we love her because we know her well and she’s queer, but that doesn’t mean we like all queer people.”
But that’s my ego and it doesn’t need to be anybody else’s. That’s my protective mode. Always interested to hear what other people‘s protective mode is because I’m sure for some people it’s not coming out at all (and you shouldn’t have to).