Republican Conservatives: They Fuck Jesus To Fit Their Own Ends With No Lube

The sheer fucking audacity of modern Republican Christianity in reshaping Jesus Christ into their own image is perhaps the most egregious example of scriptural manipulation in human history. These motherfuckers have taken the radical revolutionary who preached economic justice, confronted religious authority, and died for challenging the establishment, and somehow transformed him into a gun-toting, capitalism-loving, immigrant-hating, poor-shaming authoritarian who looks suspiciously like a white suburban megachurch pastor.

This isn't just theological disagreement—this is wholesale intellectual dishonesty, cherry-picking biblical passages while ignoring the broader context that completely undermines their bullshit narrative. Let's examine exactly how these assholes distort scripture to serve their political agenda, and why their interpretation is not just wrong, but actively blasphemous.

The "Render unto Caesar" Bullshit

Republicans love to quote Jesus's response about paying taxes to Ca…