Sam Alito: Flag Waving Asshole MotherFucker....RETIRE!!!

You are a Fartsnorting Wankpuffin

Samuel Alito Jr. is one of those Supreme Court justices who flies just enough under the radar that people don’t realize how much fucking damage he’s done. He’s not as loud as Clarence Thomas or as meme-worthy as Brett Kavanaugh, but make no mistake: Alito has spent decades chiseling away at the rights of everyday Americans. And if Trump takes the White House again, you can bet your ass Alito will be right there, ready to greenlight every authoritarian, regressive, and downright batshit idea that comes across his desk.

Let’s take a deep dive into Sam Alito’s history, controversies, and the fucked-up future he’s likely to help shape.

Sam Alito: The Early Years of Conservative Bullshit

Sam Alito was born on April 1, 1950, in Trenton, New Jersey—and honestly, April Fools’ Day couldn’t be more fitting for this guy. Raised in a working-class family with Italian immigrant roots, Alito’s upbringing was pretty unremarkable. He attended Princeton University and then Yale Law School, both of which are breeding grounds for the political elite. But don’t let the Ivy League credentials fool you; Alito wasn’t exactly a trailblazer. He was more of a loyal foot soldier for the conservative cause.

After law school, Alito worked as a law clerk, then as an assistant U.S. attorney, and eventually joined the Reagan administration’s Justice Department. Yeah, that’s right: the same Justice Department that thought it was a great idea to ignore the AIDS crisis and ramp up the War on Drugs. Alito fit right in, earning a reputation as a guy who’d say "yes" to almost any conservative agenda.

Climbing the Ladder of Judicial Fuckery

In 1990, George H.W. Bush nominated Alito to the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Third Circuit. From there, Alito began laying the groundwork for his judicial philosophy, which can basically be summed up as: “Fuck your rights if they’re not explicitly mentioned in the Constitution.” He earned the nickname “Scalito” for his ideological resemblance to Antonin Scalia, though Alito is somehow even more smug.

By 2005, Alito had caught George W. Bush’s eye. After Harriet Miers’ nomination crashed and burned, Bush needed a reliable conservative to appease the base. Enter Alito, who was confirmed in early 2006 despite Democrats trying to stop the inevitable. This is where the real shitshow begins.

Controversies: A Greatest Hits List of Alito’s Fuck-Ups

1. Hobby Lobby and Corporate Religious Bullshit

One of Alito’s most infamous decisions came in 2014 with Burwell v. Hobby Lobby Stores, Inc. Alito wrote the majority opinion that allowed corporations to deny birth control coverage to employees based on “religious beliefs.” That’s right: a fucking craft store chain got to dictate healthcare for its workers. Alito’s decision opened the floodgates for corporations to cry "religious freedom" whenever they wanted to discriminate.

2. His "Leaked" Draft in the Dobbs Decision

In 2022, a draft opinion written by Alito to overturn Roe v. Wade was leaked, causing a national shitstorm. In the opinion, Alito argued that abortion rights were not "deeply rooted in the Nation’s history," essentially dragging women back to the fucking 18th century. The leak itself was a scandal, but the content? Even worse. The final decision in Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization demolished nearly 50 years of precedent and gave states the green light to ban abortion outright.

3. Union-Busting in Janus

Alito loves to stick it to unions. In 2018’s Janus v. AFSCME, he wrote the majority opinion that gutted public-sector unions by ruling that requiring non-members to pay fees violated their First Amendment rights. The decision was a huge win for conservative billionaires looking to weaken organized labor and left workers fucked.

4. LGBTQ+ Rights? Nope.

Alito has consistently been on the wrong side of history when it comes to LGBTQ+ issues. In his dissent in Obergefell v. Hodges (the case that legalized same-sex marriage), Alito warned that the decision would lead to "bitter and lasting wounds." Translation: He’s fucking pissed that gay people can marry. More recently, he’s been part of decisions allowing businesses to discriminate against LGBTQ+ individuals under the guise of "religious freedom."

5. Ethics Scandals and Shadowy Connections

Alito has faced criticism for his lack of transparency and ethics. In 2023, ProPublica reported that Alito took a luxury fishing trip funded by a billionaire with business before the Court. When confronted, Alito dismissed the concerns like the smug prick he is, claiming he’s above reproach. Sure, Sam. Nothing says impartial like a fucking vacation with your donors.

What Alito Will Do Under Trump 2.0

If Trump waddles his orange ass back into the White House, Sam Alito will be ready to help steer this country straight into the fucking abyss. Here’s what we can expect:

1. Full-Scale Attack on Reproductive Rights

Alito’s opinion in Dobbs wasn’t the end of his war on reproductive freedom. With Trump in power, expect more challenges to contraception, in vitro fertilization, and even interstate travel for abortions. Alito won’t be satisfied until women have fewer rights than a fucking embryo.

2. Supercharging Corporate Power

Alito’s love affair with corporate America is well-documented. Under Trump 2.0, he’ll likely push decisions that strip away regulations, gut workers’ rights, and give billionaires even more influence over politics. You think income inequality is bad now? Just wait.

3. Targeting LGBTQ+ Rights

Trump’s base is itching to roll back LGBTQ+ protections, and Alito will happily oblige. Expect cases that undermine marriage equality, block trans healthcare, and allow even more discrimination under the guise of "religious freedom." Alito’s moral compass points straight to the fucking Dark Ages.

4. Crushing Voting Rights

The conservative Court, with Alito as a key player, has already gutted the Voting Rights Act. With Trump in office, Alito will back efforts to make voting harder for marginalized communities while giving GOP-controlled states more power to gerrymander the shit out of districts. Democracy? Not on his fucking watch.

5. Undermining Federal Agencies

Alito fucking hates the administrative state. He’s consistently ruled to limit the power of agencies like the EPA, FDA, and OSHA. Under Trump, Alito will likely greenlight more cases that dismantle these agencies, leaving corporations free to pollute, exploit workers, and endanger public health.

Why Sam Alito Is a Fucking Disaster

Alito isn’t just a conservative justice; he’s a goddamn ideological warrior hell-bent on dragging America backward. From his decisions to his shady ethics, Alito has proven time and time again that he’s more interested in serving the powerful than protecting the vulnerable. And with Trump back in office, Alito will have the perfect partner to wreak havoc on civil rights, democracy, and the fucking planet.

This isn’t hyperbole. Look at his record. Look at his opinions. This man is a one-man wrecking crew for progress, and if we don’t start taking his influence seriously, we’re all going to pay the price.

Citations

1. "Samuel Alito Biography." Oyez, 2023.

2. "The Supreme Court’s War on Workers." The Atlantic, 2018.

3. "Inside the Dobbs Leak and Alito’s Role." The New York Times, 2022.

4. "ProPublica Investigation: Alito’s Ethics Scandal." ProPublica, 2023.

5. "LGBTQ+ Rights and the Supreme Court." NPR, 2023.

6. "Corporate Power in SCOTUS Decisions." Politico, 2022.

7. "The Impact of Janus v. AFSCME." Vox, 2018.

8. "Dobbs Decision Fallout and Future Threats." CNN, 2023.