Shit Brown Shirts: Trump's Personal Army

The stench hit me first—not the metaphorical kind, but the actual reek of desperation mixed with authoritarian cologne that wafts off every half-assed attempt at creating a police state. Picture this: you're scrolling through your feed, coffee burning your tongue, the bitter liquid coating your throat, when suddenly there it is—Trumpington De ShittyGobhole has officially dropped the pretense and started recruiting his brownshirts. Not metaphorically. Not in some coded language that requires a PhD in fascism studies to decode. No, this dumbfuck actually posted a recruitment ad for what he's calling the "Make DC Safe Task Force," complete with all the authoritarian fuckery you'd expect from a regime that's stopped giving a shit about hiding its intentions.

Let me paint you the full picture of this shitshow, because the details matter when we're watching democracy get gangbanged by incompetence and malice. The air in DC probably feels different now—thick, humid with the sweat of people who know something terrible is coming but can't quite articulate the shape of it yet. That's the thing about fascism's early stages; it tastes like normal bureaucracy at first, just with an aftertaste of boot leather and broken glass.

Jean-Paul Sartre once wrote, "When the rich wage war, it's the poor who die." Well, motherfucker, when a fascist builds his private army, it's everyone else who bleeds.

The text of Donaldo Shitsburger's post reads like a fever dream written by someone who learned about law enforcement from watching too many fucking Steven Seagal movies. "For all great law enforcement patriots who would like to join the world's premier law enforcement task force, where police officers are fully allowed and empowered to do their job and battle crime." Read that again. Let those words sit on your tongue like spoiled milk. "Fully allowed and empowered to do their job." Translation? All those pesky constitutional protections, due process, civil rights—that bureaucratic horseshit that keeps cops from beating the living fuck out of whoever they want? Yeah, we're tossing that out the window.

The webpage itself is a masterclass in authoritarian aesthetic. Clean. Professional. An official seal of the United States government stamped at the top like a perverse joke. Scroll down and you see a Border Patrol agent—all tactical gear, sunglasses reflecting nothing but the void where his soul should be, standing there like some kind of fascist recruitment poster. The visual language screams "join us, be powerful, wear cool shit, have authority without accountability." It's the same visual grammar used by every authoritarian regime that ever crawled out of history's asshole.

You can supposedly join the FBI, the Marshals, ATF, DEA, Homeland Security—your pick of alphabet soup agencies, all conveniently consolidated under one dear leader's personal task force. The smell of this bullshit is overwhelming, like someone took every corrupt cop fantasy and deep-fried it in the rancid oil of unchecked executive power. And the fucking kicker? At the end of all this glossy propaganda, when you click "Apply Now," you know where it takes you? USA fucking Jobs. The standard government employment portal that's been around since before this shitstain took office.

Albert Camus observed, "The welfare of the people in particular has always been the alibi of tyrants." Add to that: and the incompetence of tyrants is always their most dangerous quality, because bumbling authoritarians are still authoritarians.

Here's where the comedy and tragedy fuck each other raw and produce this grotesque offspring we're forced to witness. The Donald of Dumpster creates this whole shitfest website, this clarion call to his loyal bootlickers, promising immediate placement on his elite task force. "If you have strong experience, you can begin on the task force immediately," he crows. But when you actually dig into the FAQ—and yes, this cockwaffle has an FAQ section—reality hits you like a wet slap from a dead fish.

"How quickly will I be able to get one of these positions?" someone asks, probably while jerking off to fantasies of cracking skulls without consequence. The answer? "It depends on the position. Because these are government positions, the hiring process takes some time." Time. Background checks. Screening. All the normal bureaucratic processes that prevent any fuckwad with a hard-on for authority from immediately getting a badge and gun.

You cannot—and I want you to feel the texture of this irony on your skin—you cannot just circumvent decades of government hiring protocols because some authoritarian dickbag wants his own personal gestapo. The sheer dipshit energy of promising immediate deployment and then linking to standard government job postings is breathtaking. It's like watching someone try to start a coup using a Groupon.

John Dewey wrote, "The only freedom that is of enduring importance is the freedom of intelligence." Well, fuck me sideways, because intelligence seems to be in short supply at Team Fascism headquarters.

The website shows ICE positions—yes, the same organization that's been shooting priests in the head and separating families with all the empathy of a woodchipper. They're apparently not struggling to fill positions, according to our dear leader's delusion. Never mind that ICE has become synonymous with human rights abuses, that their tactics make the fucking Stasi look measured by comparison. No, everyone's just lining up to join this shitwaffle-parade of cruelty, right?

Bertrand Russell cautioned us: "The fundamental cause of trouble in the world today is that the stupid are cocksure while the intelligent are full of doubt." Congratulations, America, we're watching the cocksure stupid build their paramilitary in broad daylight.

Let's call this what it is: Donny TurdATrump is recruiting his brownshirts. This isn't law enforcement. This isn't about making DC safe—a city he simultaneously claims has no crime while also apparently needing an elite task force to protect from "all dangers and threats." The doublethink would make Orwell's dick hard, if he weren't busy spinning in his grave fast enough to generate electricity for the entire fucking Eastern seaboard.

The language gives it away. "Battle crime." Not prevent crime, not investigate crime, but battle. Military language for what should be civilian law enforcement. "Defend our nation's capital from all dangers and threats"—vague enough to mean anything from actual terrorists to protesters holding signs that hurt the dear leader's feelings. "Join the elite agency of your choice"—because nothing says professional law enforcement like shopping for which badge gives you the most authority to crack skulls.

Doreen Valiente once said, "The mind of a bigot is like the pupil of the eye; the more light you shine on it, the more it will contract." Shine all the light you want on this fuckery—it just contracts into tighter, more concentrated authoritarianism.

The brownshirts didn't start with Kristallnacht. They started with recruitment drives, with promises of power and purpose to angry, desperate men who wanted someone to blame for their shit lives. They started with vague mandates about "protecting" the nation from "threats." They started with a leader who told them all those pesky rules and regulations were just obstacles preventing them from doing what needed to be done.

Sound familiar, you cockwombles?

What's particularly insidious is the normalization. This is an official government website. The seal is there. The professional design is there. It looks legitimate because it uses the trappings of legitimacy. It's fascism in a fucking business suit, fascism that files the proper paperwork even as it shits all over constitutional norms. And that's more dangerous than the overt stuff, because it creates this cognitive dissonance where people see the official seal and think "well, it must be okay then."

Elon MicroTool probably jerked off to this recruitment drive, imagining his own private security force keeping the poors away from his rocket ships. Not Michael Jackson probably prayed about it, thanking Jesus for giving him a chance to participate in authoritarian rule wrapped in the American flag. These are the dickwads enabling this shitfest, each one convinced they're on the right side of history while building the framework for oppression.

The FAQ section is particularly galling. Someone asks about the hiring process, expecting to hear about fast-tracked recruitment, about special dispensations, about how dear leader will cut through red tape. Instead? Standard government hiring timelines. Background checks. Screening processes. It's like Hitler trying to recruit the SS but having to send them through normal civil service examinations first. The incompetence would be funny if it wasn't so fucking terrifying.

Because here's the thing about incompetent fascists: they're still fascists. They're just sloppier about it. And sloppy fascism kills just as many people as efficient fascism; it just takes longer and makes a bigger mess. A bumblefuck with authoritarian ambitions and government power is still a danger to democracy, even if he can't figure out how to properly circumvent hiring processes.

Martha Nussbaum wrote, "To be a good human being is to have a kind of openness to the world, an ability to trust uncertain things beyond your own control." The fuckwads running this country want the opposite—they want control, certainty, the ability to crush anything that threatens their narrow worldview. And they're building the apparatus to do it.

The taste in my mouth right now is ash—the ash of burned civil liberties, the bitter residue of watching a country slide toward authoritarianism while everyone argues about whether we should call it fascism or just "fascism-lite" or "fascism-adjacent" or some other weasel-word bullshit that makes us feel better about not doing anything to stop it. Call it what the fuck it is: this is a wannabe dictator building his personal paramilitary force, and he's so goddamn confident we won't stop him that he's doing it on a public website with the government seal.

The sound of this should be deafening—the sound of alarm bells, of historians screaming from the pages of books about Weimar Germany, of every person who ever lived through the early stages of authoritarianism trying to warn us what comes next. But instead, we hear the gentle hum of normalization, of people scrolling past this news like it's just another Tuesday in hellworld, like recruiting for brownshirts is just another thing the administration does between golf trips and Twitter tantrums.

You wanna know what really grinds my gears? It's that we all see this happening. The evidence is right there, smeared across our screens like dog shit on a windshield. And yet somehow, we're still having debates about whether it's really that bad, whether we're overreacting, whether comparing this to historical fascism is fair. Fuck fair. Fair left the building around the time Farty Donaldo decided constitutional norms were just suggestions.

The texture of this moment feels like standing on a beach watching a tsunami form on the horizon, except half the people on the beach are arguing about whether it's actually a wave or just some unusual water movement, and the other half are building sandcastles and saying everything's fine. The wave doesn't care about our semantic debates. It's coming anyway, and when it hits, all the careful language and measured responses won't mean shit.

This recruitment drive—this "Make DC Safe Task Force" horsefuckery—is a test. It's the administration floating a trial balloon to see how much openly authoritarian bullshit we'll swallow before we choke. And if we let this slide, if we let them normalize the idea of a presidential paramilitary force, even an incompetently managed one, then the next step becomes easier. And the step after that. And before we know it, we're living in a country where opposing the dear leader gets you a visit from his "elite task force," and the only question left is whether they'll bother with the paperwork.

The tragedy is that future historians will look back at moments like this and wonder why we didn't do more. They'll see these recruitment drives, these websites, these public declarations of authoritarian intent, and they'll ask: "Didn't they know? Couldn't they see what was coming?" And the answer will be yes, we saw. We just couldn't believe it was really happening. We were too busy debating proper terminology and following normal procedures and trusting that surely someone would stop this before it went too far.

Spoiler alert, you douchecanoes: no one's stopping it. That's on us. That's on every person who sees this shit and decides it's not their problem, not yet, not until the brownshirts are literally at their door. By then, it's too late. It's always too late by then.

So yeah, Trumpy AssChatterChasm is recruiting his personal army, disguising it as law enforcement, wrapping it in official government branding, and daring us to call it what it is. The smell of this rotting democracy is overwhelming—like roadkill left in the sun, like the corpse of the American experiment starting to bloat and decay. We can smell it. We can see the flies circling. But somehow, we're still pretending the stench is coming from somewhere else, from someone else, from anything other than the death throes of civil society.

Welcome to the kakistocracy, motherfuckers. Enjoy your stay in hell.