The air in Texas feels different lately. It's heavy, stifling, like the oppressive summer heat that makes your clothes stick to your skin and your lungs struggle for breath. But this isn't Mother Nature's doing—it's the suffocating grip of government overreach slithering into the most intimate corners of Texans' lives. The latest intrusion? Senate Bill 3003, a piece of legislation so absurdly invasive it would make even the most prudish Victorian clutch their pearls in disbelief.
You Can’t Get Off Til You Show ID
Let's call this what it is: bullshit. Pure, unfiltered, government-sanctioned bullshit wrapped in the flimsy disguise of "protecting minors." Senator Angela Paxton has introduced legislation that would force online retailers to verify customers' age with photo ID before selling anything that might help you achieve orgasm without another person's direct involvement.
The proposal reeks of sweat and fear, the unmistakable odor of moral panic mixed with the sour tang of hypocrisy. The state of Texas demands to know exactly who's buying what for their private pleasure.
The punishment for daring to sell a vibrator without proper documentation? A Class A Misdemeanor and fines up to $5,000 per instance. Feel that sting? That's the slap of government overreach across your face.
This isn't Texas' first rodeo with regulating what consenting adults do behind closed doors. The state's infamous "six dildo" law once made it illegal to possess more than five "obscene devices"—because apparently six was the magic number where self-pleasure transformed from a private act into a criminal enterprise.
"It's like watching a rerun of a show nobody liked the first time around," says Dr. Hallie Lieberman, a historian who specializes in the legal and cultural history of sex toys. "These laws don't protect anyone—they just create new problems and perpetuate shame around normal human sexuality."
The Ghost of Dildos Past: Privacy, What Privacy?
Imagine the crisp sound of your driver's license being scanned, the digital ping as your most personal purchase gets logged in a database somewhere. Feel the cold sweat forming on your back as you wonder who might have access to that information.
"The privacy risks here are enormous," Lieberman points out. "You're creating databases of people's sexual preferences and identities that could be hacked, leaked, or misused."
The bill would force consumers to leave digital fingerprints on their most intimate purchases—the equivalent of having to register with the government before buying condoms or lingerie. The squeaking leather of bureaucracy's boot grinding against your personal choices should make anyone's skin crawl.
This legislation wouldn't just create privacy nightmares—it would drag us back to the days when retailers had to pretend vibrators were "personal massagers" and dildos were "anatomical study models."
"When retailers are forced to use euphemisms and medical claims, it actually makes everything less safe for consumers," explains Lieberman. "Clear, accurate information about sexual health products gets replaced with vague descriptions that don't properly inform users about what they're buying."
The rustling pages of instruction manuals would become exercises in linguistic contortion, the words twisting themselves into knots to avoid saying what things are actually for.
The Black Market….
When legitimate businesses face burdensome regulations, consumers don't simply stop wanting products—they find other ways to get them. This bill would push people toward shadier, less regulated retailers with lower-quality products. Feel the rough edges of cheaply made materials, smell the acrid odor of toxic plastics, hear the concerning buzz of poorly constructed motors.
"This kind of legislation doesn't eliminate access—it just pushes people toward less safe options," says Lieberman. "It's basic economics. Demand doesn't disappear because you make something harder to access legally."
SB 3003 doesn't exist in isolation—it's just one pustule in a rash of regressive legislation spreading across Texas. Another recent bill by Representative Hillary Hickland would require retailers to register as sexually oriented businesses just to sell vibrators and dildos.
The cacophony of restrictive bills creates a symphony of oppression, each note more jarring than the last. You can feel the walls closing in with each new proposal, smell the acrid burn of freedoms being incinerated, taste the bitterness of rights being slowly stripped away.
"These bills aren't random," Lieberman notes. "They're part of a coordinated effort to roll back sexual freedoms and impose a specific moral worldview on everyone."
The Hypocrisy
Perhaps the most revolting aspect of this whole ordeal is the rank hypocrisy exuding from every pore of the Texas legislature. The same lawmakers who scream about government overreach when it comes to guns or businesses suddenly become enthusiastic supporters of big government when it involves monitoring your masturbation habits.
When Donaldo Shitsburger was in office, these same Texas Republicans screamed about freedom and government overreach. When Elon PunyPhallus tweets about censorship, these same politicians rush to defend his right to say whatever the fuck he wants. But apparently, your right to privately purchase a vibrator without government surveillance is where they draw the line.
Behind all the moral grandstanding and pearl-clutching are real people who will suffer if this legislation passes. People with disabilities who rely on sex toys for sexual expression. Survivors of sexual trauma who find empowerment through controlling their own pleasure. LGBTQ+ individuals already facing discrimination who would encounter yet another barrier to sexual health resources.
You can hear their voices if you listen—the quiet concern of the disabled veteran who uses these products because of physical limitations, the nervous whispers of the abuse survivor afraid of having their purchase history tracked.
Perhaps the most insulting aspect of SB 3003 is how it infantilizes grown adults. The legislation essentially treats everyone like children who need the government's permission to make decisions about their own bodies and pleasure.
"This kind of legislation is fundamentally about control, not protection," says Dr. Marla Thompson, professor of gender studies at Rice University. "It's about the state asserting authority over bodies and pleasure."[1]
The AstroGlide Slope is Real
Some might dismiss concerns about SB 3003 as overreaction, but the slippery slope in this case isn't a fallacy—it's a well-documented historical pattern. Today it's ID verification for sex toys. Tomorrow? Who the fuck knows.
"Once you establish the precedent that the government can regulate intimate purchases, there's no clear line where that authority ends," warns civil liberties attorney James Harrington. "This creates dangerous precedent for further intrusions into private life."
If the thought of Texas lawmakers peering into your bedroom drawer makes your skin crawl with disgust and your blood boil with rage—good. That's the appropriate reaction to this level of government overreach.
Contact your representatives. Make your voice heard. Remind them that their job is to fix the power grid and improve education—not to monitor what consenting adults do in the privacy of their homes.
The Hard Bottom Line
Senate Bill 3003 isn't about protecting children—it's about controlling adults. It's not about safety—it's about surveillance. It's not about public health—it's about imposing a narrow moral viewpoint on a diverse population.
Texas has real problems that deserve legislative attention—a failing power grid, underfunded schools, crumbling infrastructure, and a healthcare system in crisis. The fact that lawmakers are instead focused on who's buying dildos online should make every taxpayer's blood pressure spike with indignation.
If Texas lawmakers truly want to protect children, perhaps they could focus on the foster care system, or gun safety, or mental health resources in schools. But that would require actual work, not just cheap political points scored by grandstanding about sex toys.
In the meantime, Texans are left with the bitter reality that their government cares more about what's in their nightstands than what's in their best interests. And that, perhaps more than anything else about this absurd legislation, is what should make your blood boil.
Sorry, Texas. I truly am.
Citations
Cole, A. 2025 “Texans Might Soon Have to Show Photo ID to Buy a Dildo Online” 404Media
Karlis, M. 2025 “Texas Republican lawmakers take aim at sex toy sales” San Antonio Daily.
I can take a lot shit but VIBRATORS? Just no. I'm moving to Canada.
Also, how the hell is it “protecting minors” to discourage them from exploring their own sexuality in a safe manner?