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Virgin Monk Boy's avatar

Oh look, USCIS has decided to cosplay as the Thought Police. Because apparently, when America runs out of ideas, it just reruns the greatest hits of fascism. We used to brag about being the “land of the free.” Now we’re like, “Land of the free… as long as your Facebook memories don’t include calling Mitch McConnell a turtle-faced ghoul.”

This isn’t immigration policy, it’s a BuzzFeed quiz. “Which kind of patriot are you?” Answer incorrectly, and congratulations, your entire life is deported.

And the phrase “un-American”? What does that even mean anymore? Eating pineapple on pizza? Watching soccer? Reading a book? Because if those are the standards, then half the country is screwed.

And don’t you love the irony? The same people who scream about “cancel culture” are literally building a government agency whose sole job is canceling people. Nothing says freedom like a bureaucrat with the power to decide if you’re American enough to exist.

Here’s the truth: if questioning your government makes you un-American, then George Washington was a traitor, Thomas Paine was a terrorist, and Betsy Ross was basically Antifa with a sewing kit.

So congrats, USCIS. You’ve turned the American Dream into the world’s shittiest game show: “Welcome to Patriot or Deport! Spin the wheel, hope it lands on Jesus, guns, and NASCAR, otherwise it’s back to your country of origin!”

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Phil Burns's avatar

What's funny is one of the requirements to become an American citizen is to have pure thoughts and intentions. In other words don't fantasize about fucking your daughter, assaulting women in dressing rooms or be a pedophile with 34 felony counts against that person. The first sentence was supposedly said by Preznet Shitnozzle, the second...well take a guess.

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