The Emperor's Moron Son: Trust Me Though Barron Trump is a Completely Average Idiot

Let's cut through the bullshit: Barron Trump is just another rich kid at NYU. Not particularly brilliant, not particularly terrible – just average. Barron Trump is a Low Grade Moronic average rich kid at NYU. And that's exactly what makes this whole College Republicans resignation drama so fucking absurd.

The Most Normal Thing About the Trump Family

The conservative movement's desperate attempt to turn Barron Trump into some kind of wunderkind is the most pathetic thing I've seen since Ted Cruz tried to grow a beard. Notice I said tried (because pre-transition I could grow a beard WAY stronger than a cancer like Ted Cruz). Here's a kid who's done exactly nothing extraordinary except be born into the right family, and suddenly he's being painted as the second coming of William F. Buckley because he... checks notes... knows how podcasts work? or he knows how to bot cheat on Overwatch. Holy shit, stop the presses – a Gen Z kid understands basic technology! Quick, somebody call fucking MENSA!

The "Scandal" That Shows Conservative Desperation

When NYU College Republicans president Kaya Walker called Barron "sort of an oddity on campus," she wasn't being cruel – she was being fucking generous. What she should have said was, "He's a completely unremarkable student who wouldn't warrant a second glance if his last name wasn't Trump." My guess is that much like His father Donny McTinyWeeWee, he is a super underachiever. Walker’s comment tends to vocalize this concept.

But even that mild observation was too much for the bootlicking ass-lick brigade. The College Republicans of America, those champions of "telling it like it is," immediately shit themselves in panic, just like Donny Convict does every morning before he gets the diaper on. Heaven forbid someone point out that the dung emperor's son is wearing completely ordinary clothes from the NYU bookstore.

The Desperate Search for Conservative Youth Appeal

The response from College Republicans president Will Donahue would be hilarious if it wasn't so damn sad. Calling Barron the "future of the conservative movement" is like calling vanilla ice cream the future of dessert. It's not offensive, it's not exciting, it's just... there.

What exactly has Barron done to deserve this title? Let's review his groundbreaking achievements:

1. Being tall

2. Cheated at Overwatch

3. Attending classes

4. Presumably passing some of them

5. Understanding how Spotify works

Fuck me, I've seen more impressive resumes from my neighbor's Hamster.

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The Myth of the Tech-Savvy Advisor

The most ridiculous part of this whole circus is the attempt to paint Barron as some kind of digital genius because he allegedly helped his father with podcast appearances. Are you shitting me? This is what passes for expertise now? Being able to explain to your boomer dad how to use a microphone and his phone? Donny Convict already has to use the 000000 passcode so he wont forget his phone unlock. But in the desperate world of conservative youth outreach, being able to open Spotify without calling tech support is apparently a revolutionary accomplishment. That makes you a nuclear fucking physicist.

The Real Story: Mediocrity Protected by Privilege

Here's what nobody in conservative circles wants to admit: Barron Trump is the living embodiment of average privilege. He's not failing out – that would be noteworthy (and I would be making MUCH less fun of him, because at least he would be a fucking normal human being). He's not making the dean's list – that would be noteworthy. He's just... there. Attending classes. Probably playing Overwatch. Doing whatever the fuck normal college kids do. And you know what? That's fine. There's nothing wrong with being average. Most of us are average at most things. The problem isn't Barron's averageness – it's the conservative movement's pathetic attempt to pretend he's extraordinary.

The Death of Merit in Conservative Circles

Remember when conservatives used to rage against participation trophies? Well, buckle up buttercup, because they're now giving out leadership trophies for checks notes again being born into the right family and understanding basic technology. This isn't just lowering the bar – this is burying the bar so deep it's hitting magma. The conservative movement has gone from "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" to "exist in proximity to power and we'll pretend you're special."

The Liberal Campus "Persecution"

Let's address the elephant in the room: the professor's joke about Barron not belonging at NYU. You know what? Maybe they're right – not because he's a Trump, but because he's done nothing to distinguish himself either way. He's taking up space that could have gone to someone who actually earned it through merit rather than inheritance. But watch how quickly this completely valid criticism gets twisted into some bullshit narrative about liberal persecution. Because apparently, in conservative circles, pointing out mediocrity is now a hate crime.

The Real Victim: Academic Integrity

The real tragedy here isn't that someone called Barron Trump average. The real tragedy is that conservative organizations are so desperate for youth appeal that they're willing to pretend basic competence is leadership material. This isn't just intellectually dishonest – it's fucking embarrassing. It's the kind of thing that makes actual young conservative intellectuals (yes, they exist) want to crawl into a hole and die of secondhand embarrassment.

What This Says About Modern Conservatism

The conservative movement's reaction to Walker's comments reveals their intellectual bankruptcy. They don't want leaders – they want cheerleaders. They don't want truth-tellers – they want yes-men. And they definitely don't want anyone pointing out that their supposed wunderkind is about as exceptional as a Tuesday afternoon.

Looking Forward (If We Must)

If Barron Trump is the future of the conservative movement, then the conservative movement's future is beige wallpaper in human form. Not offensive, not inspiring, just... there. Taking up space. Existing in the most unremarkable way possible.

The Bottom Line

Kaya Walker's real crime wasn't being mean to Barron Trump – it was accidentally telling the truth about him. She momentarily forgot that in modern conservative circles, acknowledging reality is a cardinal sin, especially when that reality is deeply, profoundly average. To be clear: there's nothing wrong with Barron Trump being an average college student. What's wrong is pretending he's anything more than that. What's wrong is forcing young conservative leaders to resign for pointing out the obvious. What's wrong is this desperate attempt to manufacture excellence where none exists. The conservative movement's response to this non-incident tells us everything we need to know about their current state: they're so starved for youth appeal that they'll praise basic competence as brilliance and treat mediocrity as merit.

And Hey, conservatives that read this article, guess what bitches, This is for you.

If this is what passes for the future of conservative politics – elevating the unremarkable and punishing those who point it out – then the movement is even more fucked than we thought. But hey, at least their new poster boy knows how to use an iPhone without calling the Genius Bar. Truly, we are watching history in the making. Welcome to modern conservatism, where being completely fucking average is considered a leadership quality – as long as your last name is Trump.

Citations:

1. Cochran, L. 2025 “NYU College Republicans president resigns after saying Barron Trump ‘sort of an oddity’” The Hill.

2. Ethier, M. 2025 “NYU Stern Has A Famous New Student: Barron Trump” Poets & Quants