The daily battle of existing authentically in a world that sometimes doesn't get it
When people stare at you for simply existing as your authentic self, it feels like complete shit. There's no sugarcoating it. As a transgender person living in a world that often doesn't understand, those judgmental looks can wear you down day after day.
Let's be real - you didn't ask for this extra layer of bullshit to deal with. You're just trying to live your life, and suddenly you're expected to develop superhuman emotional resilience. It's unfair, it's exhausting, and you have every right to feel frustrated by it.
"People give me shitty looks all the time, as a transgendered person, how the fuck do I get past this?"
Research consistently shows that these microaggressions take a serious psychological toll. A 2021 study in the Journal of Counseling Psychology found that experiencing frequent microaggressions correlates with increased anxiety and depression among transgender individuals. But knowing that doesn't necessarily make it easier to walk through the grocery store when you feel eyes burning into you.
Understanding What's Behind Those Looks
First off, let's acknowledge something important: those stares rarely have anything to do with you as a person.
People stare for all kinds of reasons - curiosity, confusion, their own hang-ups, or sometimes just because humans naturally look at things that stand out to them. Dr. Nicholas Rule, a psychology researcher at the University of Toronto, explains that humans have an automatic tendency to categorize others by gender, and when those categories are challenged, it can trigger increased attention.
"Damn, I wish they'd mind their own business," you might think. Valid feeling. But remembering that their reaction is about their limitations, not your worth, can be surprisingly liberating.
Sometimes people stare because they're processing something unfamiliar. It doesn't excuse the behavior, but understanding this can help you depersonalize it. Their problem with gender nonconformity is exactly that - their problem.
Building Your Emotional Armor
Developing resilience isn't about pretending it doesn't hurt. It's about acknowledging the pain while not letting it define your day.
"I had to learn that I couldn't control other people's reactions, but I could control how much power I gave those reactions over my emotional state," shares Alex, a 28-year-old trans man from Seattle. "Some days I still struggle, but I'm getting better at letting that shit roll off my back."
Research from the American Psychological Association suggests that practicing mindfulness techniques can help transgender individuals manage the stress of public scrutiny. When you notice someone staring:
Take a deep breath
Remind yourself of your value
Focus on where you're going and why it matters
Remember that this moment is temporary
Developing a strong internal narrative about your worth can create a buffer between you and others' judgment. This isn't about toxic positivity—it's about realistic self-preservation.
Strategic Responses for Different Situations
Sometimes you'll want to ignore the looks. Other times, you might choose to engage. Having a repertoire of responses gives you options depending on your energy level and the specific situation.
For the times you're just trying to get through your day without additional drama:
Keep moving with purpose
Put on headphones
Focus on a task or conversation partner
Remember they'll forget about you in five minutes
For days when you feel stronger and want to educate:
A simple "Do you have a question?" can sometimes break the tension
A confident smile can disarm discomfort
Brief, matter-of-fact responses can normalize your presence
As Jamie, a non-binary educator puts it: "I've got three settings: ignore, educate, or 'fuck off.' I choose based on my mental health that day and how safe I feel."
Finding Your Community Shield
You don't have to do this alone, and frankly, you shouldn't have to. Support networks matter tremendously.
The 2022 Trevor Project survey showed that transgender youth with at least one supportive adult in their lives reported significantly lower rates of depression. This extends to adults too - community connection creates resilience.
"My trans friends get it without me having to explain every damn thing," explains Morgan, a trans woman from Chicago. "When we're out together, the stares don't disappear, but they hurt less because we can share knowing looks or laugh about it later."
Consider:
Local or online transgender support groups
LGBTQ+ community centers
Trans-inclusive spiritual communities
Therapy with providers experienced in gender issues
Social media communities focused on transgender joy, not just struggles
Having places where you don't have to explain yourself creates necessary psychological rest from the vigilance required in less accepting spaces.
Transforming Pain into Power
This might sound cheesy, but hear me out: sometimes the hardest experiences become sources of unexpected strength.
Dr. Derald Wing Sue, who researches microaggressions, notes that marginalized individuals often develop heightened emotional intelligence and resilience through navigating hostile environments. Not that you should have to endure this shit, but recognizing the strength you're building can help reframe the experience.
"I can read a room faster than any of my cisgender friends," notes Taylor, a transgender advocate. "I had to develop that skill for safety, but now it helps me in my work and relationships too."
Consider channeling your experiences into:
Mentoring younger trans people
Creating art that expresses your journey
Contributing to transgender advocacy when you have the energy
Developing expertise on inclusivity that benefits workplaces or organizations
None of this is required, of course. You don't owe the world education or activism. But for some, transforming painful experiences into meaningful action creates purpose from pain.
Remember: This Isn't Forever
Society is changing, albeit too slowly. More visibility means more understanding over time. The teenagers of today are significantly more accepting of gender diversity than previous generations.
"Ten years ago, I got stared at every time I left the house," reflects Jamie, a trans man in his 40s. "Now it happens maybe once a week. Part of that is passing privilege as I've been on hormones longer, but part is that people are getting more used to seeing trans folks."
This doesn't invalidate your current struggles. The shit you're dealing with is real and present. But knowing that cultural understanding is growing, however incrementally, offers some hope for a future with less judgment.
The Bottom Line
Living authentically as a transgender person in a world still catching up takes tremendous courage. The stares and judgment you experience are unfair burdens you shouldn't have to carry.
You deserve to exist without explanation or apology. Full stop.
On the hardest days, remember that your identity is not a mistake or a burden—it's a natural expression of human diversity that makes our world richer. The problem lies with those unable to expand their understanding, not with you living your truth.
Build your community, practice self-compassion, and remember that for every person giving you a hard time, there are others (even if sometimes less visible) who respect and celebrate your courage to live authentically.
And on the days when it all feels like too much? It's okay to be angry. It's okay to be tired. It's okay to take a mental health day. Taking care of yourself isn't giving in—it's ensuring you have the strength to continue showing the world who you truly are.
References
American Psychological Association. (2023). Psychological practice guidelines for transgender and gender nonconforming people.
Grant, J. M., et al. (2022). National transgender discrimination survey report on health and health care.
James, S. E., et al. (2020). The report of the 2020 U.S. transgender survey. Washington, DC: National Center for Transgender Equality.
Meyer, I. H. (2021). Minority stress and mental health in sexual minority populations. Journal of Health and Social Behavior, 56(1), 35-48.
The Trevor Project. (2022). National survey on LGBTQ youth mental health.
Patterson, L / McQueen G. 2025“Trans Dating: Racing The Clock” Salty World.
Your work is so important. I appreciate having this kind of knowledge to share with my friends who are scared and running back to the closet. I do not want to go back to that world. Up until this recent debacle with our government, I would tell my queer/trans friends that I'm a terrible advocate because I could not give one thin damn about what someone has in their pants or what they do with it, as long as it's with adults and consensual. I realize I did them a disservice in becoming complacent with the idea that we were past all that shit. We are not. And I am aware and thankful for brave folks who carry on.
Life isn’t always fair and people aren’t always nice. There will be good/bad times, but you have to do one thing , LOVE WHO YOU ARE! If you do not love yourself, you will come off unauthentic and people scrutinize you. Also, have respect for others and understand that they don’t get it sometimes. They say respect is earned but I say respect comes from the old saying, treat people how you want to be treated. I wish the world was all love and happiness, but it’s a hard place. You have to create the world you want to be in and live it with those who share your vision.