The Ultimate Ranking: The Shit That Scares Donald Trump Most (Because He is a Total Pussy)

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Alright, buckle up, folks. We’re diving headfirst into the weird, messy world of Donald Trump’s fears—those sneaky little shadows that send shivers down his orange-tinged spine. Whether you love him, hate him, or just watch the chaos like it’s a reality TV show you can’t escape, there’s no denying the man’s got some unique shit keeping him up at night. So, let’s break it down: the things Trump is most afraid of, ranked from “probably keeps a nightlight on for this” to “shit-his-pants-level terror.”

1. The Truth (Top of the List, Baby)

Trump’s biggest boogeyman isn’t a person or a political rival—it’s the cold, hard truth. You know, those pesky little things called facts? The man’s made a career out of dodging them like Neo in The Matrix. Whether it’s tax returns, election results, or science (hello, climate change!), Trump’s kryptonite is any reality he can’t spin into his own narrative..

Why it’s funny: Watching him try to twist a fact into a “fake news” pretzel is like watching a raccoon try to open a locked trash can. Entertaining, frustrating, and a little sad.

2. Accountability (AKA Being Told “You’re Fired”)

The man loves firing people—but being held accountable? That’s a no-go. Whether it’s impeachment, lawsuits, or investigations, Trump’s nightmare scenario is being forced to take responsibility for his actions. It’s why he surrounds himself with yes-men and throws tantrums when shit doesn’t go his way.

Why it’s funny: Watching a grown-ass man dodge responsibility like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar is peak comedy. Add a spray tan, and you’ve got comedy gold.

3. Losing (The Ego Can’t Handle It)

If there’s one thing Trump hates more than accountability, it’s losing. The man’s ego is so fragile you could probably shatter it with a well-timed “boo.” Losing the 2020 election? Yeah, we’re still hearing about that. For Trump, admitting defeat is like admitting he’s not the god-emperor he thinks he is.

Why it’s funny: His refusal to accept loss has led to some of the wildest conspiracy theories of our time. Seriously, “Italian satellites rigged the election”? Who comes up with this shit?

4. Microscopic Things (Germs and Handshakes)

Trump’s germophobia is legendary. The man’s disdain for handshakes is almost as famous as his hair. He’s terrified of anything that might compromise his health (ironic, considering his love for fast food). This fear reportedly stems from a deep-seated paranoia about illness and contamination.

Why it’s funny: Imagine being so scared of germs that you’d rather eat a Big Mac than touch another human. Priorities, man.

5. Women Who Don’t Take His Shit

Strong, outspoken women are another one of Trump’s fears. Whether it’s Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, or any journalist who dares ask tough questions, Trump seems to have a particular disdain for women who don’t bow to his bluster.

Why it’s funny: Watching him try to verbally spar with someone like Pelosi is like watching a chihuahua bark at a lion. Cute, but ultimately outmatched.

6. Comedy and Satire (SNL, Anyone?)

Trump hates being laughed at, which makes comedy one of his biggest enemies. Shows like Saturday Night Live and comedians like John Oliver have been living rent-free in his head for years. The idea that people might find him ridiculous? Unbearable.

Why it’s funny: The fact that he takes satire so personally is proof that comedy works. If Alec Baldwin in a wig can ruin your day, maybe take yourself a little less seriously.

7. Experts (Because They Know Shit)

Trump’s not a fan of experts—scientists, economists, generals, you name it. If someone knows more than he does (which, let’s be real, is most people), he’s immediately suspicious. Experts threaten the illusion of Trump as the all-knowing genius he wants people to believe he is.

Why it’s funny: Watching him argue with scientists about pandemics and climate change is like watching someone try to argue that 2+2 equals 5. Painful, but undeniably entertaining.

8. Books (That Aren’t About Him)

Trump’s fear of books—especially ones that criticize him—is well-documented. Tell-all books from former staffers, journalists, or even family members? Instant panic mode. He’s reportedly so scared of their contents that he’ll go to great lengths to discredit the authors.

Why it’s funny: The man’s literary nemesis is… words. Let that sink in.

9. Social Media Turning Against Him

For years, Trump used social media—Twitter especially—as his megaphone. But after being banned, his worst fear came true: losing control of his narrative. Social media’s power to shape public opinion is a double-edged sword, and Trump’s terrified of being on the wrong side of it.

Why it’s funny: The guy’s still trying to launch his own platforms to mixed success. Watching him flounder in the digital age is like watching a boomer try to set up a TikTok account.

10. Criticism (Because He’s Perfect, Obviously)

Finally, we have good old-fashioned criticism. Trump’s paper-thin skin means any negative comment, no matter how minor, can send him into a tailspin. Whether it’s a tweet, a news article, or a late-night monologue, criticism hits him where it hurts.

Why it’s funny: Watching a billionaire with a golden toilet get upset over mean tweets is the height of irony.

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The Takeaway

At the end of the day, Trump’s fears are as revealing as they are amusing. They show us a man who, despite all his bravado, is deeply insecure and constantly seeking validation. And while it’s easy to laugh (because, let’s face it, this shit is funny), it’s also a reminder of how fear shapes behavior—even at the highest levels of power.

So, next time you’re feeling overwhelmed by your own anxieties, just remember: at least you’re not afraid of facts or handshakes. Perspective, folks. Perspective.

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Citations:

1. Woodward, Bob. Fear: Trump in the White House. Simon & Schuster, 2018.

2. Trump, Mary L. Too Much and Never Enough: How My Family Created the World’s Most Dangerous Man. Simon & Schuster, 2020.

3. Haberman, Maggie. Confidence Man: The Making of Donald Trump and the Breaking of America. Penguin Random House, 2022.

4. Borowitz, Andy. “Trump’s War on Handshakes: A Germaphobe in the Age of Pandemics.” The New Yorker, 2020.

5. Lee, Bandy X. The Dangerous Case of Donald Trump: 27 Psychiatrists and Mental Health Experts Assess a President. St. Martin’s Press, 2017.