Tuesday RoundUp: The Great Gatsby's Less Successful Cousin

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The Brutal Battle Over Trans Healthcare in America

1. While trans Americans fight for their goddamn lives, Rep. Becca Balint (D-Vt.) finally stepped up on Trans Day of Visibility with the Transgender Health Care Access Act, pushing for medical education grants and desperately needed access to care in forgotten rural communities.

2. Though backed by 30 Democrats and LGBTQ rights groups who've been screaming for help for years, this critical legislation is practically DOA in the Republican-controlled Congress that seems hellbent on erasing trans existence.

3. Trump has wasted no fucking time attacking trans rights since returning to office, signing multiple executive orders including one that dismisses trans identities by recognizing only "male and female" and another trying to cut off life-saving care for trans youth (thank god some judges had the balls to block it).

4. The assault is relentless—27 states have already rammed through laws banning essential gender-affirming care for trans youth, with the Supreme Court now holding their fate in its hands with a decision expected this summer that could devastate countless young lives. (TheHill)

Elon Musk vs Ashley St. Clair: Baby Momma Drama for Elon Tiny Wee Wee

1. Conservative influencer Ashley St. Clair and Elon Musk engaged in a public dispute on X (formerly Twitter) after she accused him of withdrawing child support and refusing a paternity test. I mean even with MicroPenis, I guess Elon MikroDik can still have sex, right?

2. Musk defended himself by claiming he has provided St. Clair with $2.5 million already, continues to send $500,000 annually, and is willing to take a paternity test without a court order.

3. St. Clair countered that Musk had previously refused paternity testing before the child's birth (whom she claims Musk named), and alleged he reduced financial support to "maintain control" and "punish" her for "disobedience."

4. The dispute escalated when St. Clair criticized Musk for using his own social platform to distribute "derogatory messages" about her and their alleged child, calling him a "petulant man-child" who needs to "grow up." (TheHill)

Senator Booker's Exhausting Overnight Tirade Against Trump

1. Sen. Cory Booker (D-N.J.) put his body through hell in a grueling, sweat-soaked marathon speech that began around 7 p.m. Monday and dragged past 9 a.m. Tuesday, his voice growing increasingly hoarse as he railed against the fucking disaster that is the Trump administration.

2. Standing until his feet must have felt like burning coals (he had a Senate page remove his damn chair to avoid temptation), Booker declared these are "not normal times" while condemning Trump for "inflicting so much harm" in just 71 miserable days back in office.

3. The speech reeked of desperation as Booker hammered Republicans over potential cuts to Medicaid and Social Security to fund their bullshit tax agenda, his words echoing through the cavernous, nearly empty chamber as colleagues like Chuck Schumer occasionally jumped in to give his parched throat momentary relief.

4. Despite Booker's defiant proclamation that he was "rip-roaring and ready" to continue his verbal assault, his marathon protest falls pathetically short of the chamber record - Strom Thurmond's disgusting 24-hour filibuster against the Civil Rights Act of 1957, or even Ted Cruz's 21-hour Obamacare opposition featuring "Green Eggs and Ham." (TheHill)

Republicans Go Nuclear: Trouble In Republican Strong Florida…

A vicious GOP leadership battle has erupted as Rep. Anna Paulina Luna fights for new parents' proxy voting rights. The air in the Capitol is thick with tension and the metallic taste of betrayal as Luna, a new mother herself, faces brutal parliamentary warfare from her own party.

House leaders, sweating with desperation, have crafted a fucking poison pill vote: support Luna's discharge petition, or kill Trump-backed legislation on immigration and judicial restraint. The move reeks of panic.

Luna's resignation letter from the Freedom Caucus hangs like a bloodstain over proceedings, her words echoing through marble halls: "respect" has been "shattered" as former allies stabbed her in the back.

House Speaker Johnson's attempt to block Rep. Luna's push for proxy voting for new parents faces potential defeat as several Republicans may vote against leadership's procedural tactic. With Democrats united in opposition, GOP leaders can only lose two votes. The contentious rule would prevent Luna's discharge petition from reaching the floor while advancing Republican priorities on judicial powers and voter citizenship requirements.

As Republicans scramble to preserve their razor-thin majority, the chamber buzzes with whispered betrayals. Rep. Burchett stands by Luna while leadership's fingers tremble over procedural maneuvers—all to crush a simple accommodation for new mothers. (TheHill)

U.S. Government's Horrific "Administrative Error": Trump Fucked Up, Now He’s Gotta Go To the Watershed

1. The Trump administration has fucking admitted to wrongfully deporting Kilmar Abrego Garcia—a man legally protected from removal—sending him to rot in El Salvador's notorious CECOT prison through what they coldly dismiss as an "administrative error."

2. This innocent Maryland resident, husband to a U.S. citizen and father to a disabled American child, was ripped from his family and dumped like garbage into a sweltering, windowless concrete hellhole where the stench of 160 unwashed bodies crammed into cells meant for 80 hangs in the stagnant air.

3. While Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt spewed bullshit claims about him being an MS-13 leader without a goddamn shred of evidence, Abrego Garcia suffers in a prison where inmates are confined 23.5 hours daily on bare metal bunks, sharing two open toilets, denied even the smallest comforts like letters from loved ones.

4. The most gut-wrenching part? The U.S. government now claims they're powerless to bring him back from the Terrorism Confinement Center—which they're paying El Salvador $6 million to operate—abandoning an asylum seeker who originally fled the country to escape gang violence. (TheHill)

Trump's Third Term Dreams Face Constitutional Reality Check

1. Speaker Mike Johnson bluntly acknowledged the "high bar" of amending the Constitution required for Trump to pursue a third term, noting the process would demand either two-thirds congressional support or a convention called by two-thirds of states.

2. Despite Trump telling NBC News he was "not joking" about seeking a third term because "a lot of people want me to do it," Johnson insists some of their conversations on the topic were merely "jovial" banter.

3. Johnson's pathetic ass-kissing continued as he claimed Americans might want Trump to serve longer because "he's accomplishing so much in this first 100 days," while pretending the president "recognizes the constitutional limitations."

4. The stench of partisan hypocrisy permeates the air with Rep. Andy Ogles' constitutional amendment proposal specifically crafted to benefit only Trump by permitting a third term solely for presidents who served nonconsecutive terms.

The suffocating reality of democracy's fragility hangs over this entire charade—Johnson's tongue practically bleeding as he twists himself into knots, trying to both appease Trump's ego and acknowledge constitutional boundaries that feel increasingly like tissue paper against the battering ram of presidential ambition. (TheHill)