Wendy's Healing Compendium 13.37: Heart-Fixing Thorny Bastard

Holy shit, let's talk about Hawthorn - the OG cardio king of the hedgerow. This spiky little badass has been keeping hearts beating strong since before doctors knew what the hell a heart actually did.

Identifying This Prickly Friend

Look for a gnarly-ass tree or shrub absolutely covered in thorns that'll make you regret every life decision if you bump into them. It's got these cute little white or pink flowers in spring that smell sweet as hell, followed by bright red berries (haws) that look like tiny apples because they're basically cousins, you botanical smartass.

Cultivation (Ground Prep and Shit)

This tough motherfucker will grow pretty much anywhere in zones 4-8, but it likes well-draining soil and full sun best. It's not some delicate flower - this beast survived the ice age, so it can handle your mediocre gardening skills.

Growing Your Own Heart Helper

You've got options:

• Seeds: But damn, they take forever. Like, two years of cold stratification forever.

• Cuttings: Take hardwood cuttings in winter when the tree's taking a nap.

• Or just buy a fucking plant because life's too short.

Usage (The Good Parts)

Every part of this spiky wonder is useful except the thorns (unless you're into medieval weapons):

• Berries: Pick when red as hell and soft

• Flowers: Harvest in spring when fully open

• Leaves: Young ones in spring taste less like tree