Wendy's Healing Compendium 37.82: Crampin That Style Like a MotherFucker

Cramp bark (Viburnum opulus) is nature's fucking gift to anyone suffering from muscle spasms and period pain. This badass shrub has been used for centuries by Native Americans and later European settlers who weren't too stupid to recognize its amazing properties. When it comes to natural muscle relaxants, this shit is gold - seriously, nothing in the plant world touches it for effectiveness. The bark contains powerful compounds that tell your cramping muscles to chill the hell out almost immediately after taking it. For women dealing with monthly hell, cramp bark is the plant ally you've been desperately searching for all your life.

Description:

Cramp bark comes from a deciduous shrub that grows up to 15 feet tall with maple-like leaves and produces bright red berries that birds go nuts for. The medicinal part is the inner bark, which is stripped from branches and has a distinctive bitter taste that'll make your face scrunch up if you try it raw. When dried, the bark turns a grayish-brown color and can be easily ground into powder or used in tinctures and decoctions. The plant is part of the honeysuckle family and is native to Europe, Asia, and North America, where it thrives in moist woodland areas like it owns the place. Despite its hardcore medicinal properties, cramp bark is also grown as an ornamental shrub because it produces these gorgeous white flowers in spring that look like snowballs.

Cultivation Section:

Growing cramp bark is pretty damn easy if you have the right conditions - partial shade and consistently moist, well-draining soil that's slightly acidic. You can propagate this badass plant from seeds, but it takes forever, so most people aren't patient enough and just use softwood cuttings taken in early summer. The shrub needs about 3-4 years of growth before you can harvest the bark without killing the whole plant, so don't be an impatient asshole about it. When harvesting, only take bark from branches that are at least two years old, and never ring the entire branch or you'll fuck up the plant's vascular system. For sustainable harvesting, never take more than 25% of the bark from any single plant in a given year.

Medicinal Uses:

Muscle Spasms

Cramp bark contains valerianic acid and other compounds that kick ass at relaxing involuntary muscle contractions throughout the body. It works surprisingly fast compared to other herbal remedies, usually bringing relief within 20-30 minutes after ingestion.

Menstrual Cramps

This plant is a fucking godsend for period pain because it relaxes the uterine muscles specifically, reducing both the intensity and duration of menstrual cramps. Many women report that regular use of cramp bark throughout their cycle can reduce overall period pain by up to 70% without the side effects of NSAIDs.

Asthma

The antispasmodic properties in cramp bark can help relax bronchial muscles during mild asthma attacks when you can't find your inhaler. However, this is a complementary approach and shouldn't replace proper medical treatment because asthma can kill you if you're stupid about it.

High Blood Pressure

Cramp bark contains scopoletin and other compounds that have been shown to relax blood vessels and potentially lower blood pressure in some people. Research suggests it may help reduce systolic pressure by 10-15 points in those with mild hypertension, but don't throw away your prescription meds based on this alone.

Digestive Issues

The muscle-relaxing properties make this herb effective for intestinal cramps, bloating, and IBS symptoms that make you feel like shit. It helps calm the spasms in your gut without causing the constipation that many pharmaceutical antispasmodics are notorious for.

How to Use: