Wendy's Healing Compendium (63.27): That Damn Fine Horse Chestnut

Horse Chestnut, or Aesculus hippocastanum if you're feeling fancy as fuck, is one badass tree that's been helping humans with their health problems for centuries. This magnificent bastard can grow up to 100 feet tall and produces these spiky green balls that contain glossy brown nuts which, despite their appealing look, will mess up your digestive system if you try to eat them raw. Throughout Europe, these trees have been planted along streets and in parks because they're gorgeous as hell with their white flower "candles" that bloom in spring, making the whole damn place look magical. The medicinal component of this tree comes primarily from the seeds, though the bark and leaves can also be used to make remedies that'll knock your socks off. Originally native to the Balkan Peninsula, this powerful plant has spread its reach across much of the Northern Hemisphere because people recognized its awesome healing potential.

Description

Horse Chestnut is a majestic goddamn tree with a dense, symmetrical crown that'll make you stop and stare like an idiot. The leaves are distinctive as hell, with 5-7 leaflets arranged in a palmate pattern that looks like a freaking hand. When in bloom during May, the tree shows off with upright panicles of white flowers with yellow or pink markings that look like they're giving the middle finger to winter. By autumn, the tree drops its signature nuts encased in spiny green husks that'll hurt like a bitch if you step on them barefoot. The shiny brown seeds (conkers) inside are smooth as a baby's butt and have been used by children for games and by adults for medicine.

Cultivation Section

Growing a Horse Chestnut tree isn't rocket science, but you need to give it some damn space because these suckers get huge. They prefer well-drained soil with decent fertility, but aren't too picky and will tell other soil conditions to fuck off if necessary. Plant them where they'll get full sun to partial shade and give them enough water while they're establishing, after which they're pretty drought tolerant. These badass trees are hardy in USDA zones 4-7 and can live for up to 300 years if they're not taken down by leaf miners or bleeding canker disease. For medicinal purposes, you'll need to wait about 15 years before the tree produces enough seeds to make it worth harvesting, so patience is key, dammit.

Medicinal Uses

Vein Health

Horse Chestnut extract is a goddamn miracle for people suffering from chronic venous insufficiency, effectively reducing leg swelling and pain. The active compound aescin strengthens vessel walls and reduces fluid leakage, helping your veins stop being such useless pieces of shit.

Hemorrhoids

When applied topically, Horse Chestnut can shrink those painful hemorrhoids that make sitting a living hell. The anti-inflammatory properties work fast to reduce swelling and discomfort, making your ass feel normal again.

Inflammation

The powerful anti-inflammatory compounds in Horse Chestnut can fight inflammation throughout your entire body, not just in your veins. These compounds tell your body's inflammatory response to calm the fuck down, reducing pain and swelling.

Edema

Horse Chestnut extract is fantastic for reducing edema and the uncomfortable swelling that makes your legs feel like they're about to burst. The reduction in capillary permeability means less fluid leaks into surrounding tissues, so your legs won't look like bloated sausages anymore.

Bruising

The application of Horse Chestnut to bruises speeds up healing time and reduces that ugly discoloration that makes you look like you got your ass kicked. The extract strengthens capillary walls and reduces leakage, making bruises fade faster than you can say "what the hell happened last night?"

How to Use