What is Gentle Parenting, and are Parents Doing it Correctly? (A Younger Perspective)

The Youth will Lead Us

What is gentle parenting?

Gentle parenting is a style of parenting that has been gaining popularity over the past few years for the fact that it focuses on learning and being responsive instead of focusing on punishment, like what most current adults grew up with. Most parents see this as a way to be better than their parents, to teach their kids how to handle their emotions without leaving them with an emotional scar.

Why are parents attempting to use gentle parenting?

Many adults grew up with a parenting style called “assertive parenting”, where the parent controls their child based on fear, intimidation, and punishment. Often this parenting style leaves lasting scars, whether emotional, physical, or both it leaves a lasting impact. It can cause anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and many more mental disorders (1), so it’s no surprise parents don’t want their kids to grow up with that.

So gentle parenting sounds great, right? For most people, only in theory. Many parents claim that gentle parenting is too draining and doesn’t work. Other parents and teachers are saying it is spoiling kids and there is no discipline. But, the problem is, that isn’t gentle parenting. What many parents are actually doing is something called “Permissive Parenting”.

What is permissive parenting?

Permissive parenting is when a parent might think they are doing the right thing, but in reality, let their child get whatever they want. They have no system of discipline and can not set boundaries. If a child asks for something, the parent might say no at first, but then when the child throws a fit, the parent feels bad and comforts the child, telling them everything is okay and gives the child what they want. While validating feelings is good, it’s another thing to encourage that behavior. Those parents do not stand their ground and end up giving their child what they want. And when the child misbehaves they try to gently say, “Thank you for expressing your emotions. Such big feels! Come here, let me give you a hug. We don’t do that, okay?”, or just calmly state, “No.”, over and over, like that is going to do something. Trying to parent that way doesn’t work. Your child doesn’t understand that what they are doing is wrong. Gentle parenting isn’t, “No discipline”, there just isn’t punishment.

What is the difference between discipline and punishment?

Now, in the last paragraph, I used discipline and punishment as two different things, and they are. Many adults who grew up with assertive parenting think that punishment is discipline and discipline is punishment, but that isn’t quite right. While to many people punishment can be seen as a form of discipline, discipline is not punishment. Punishment ensues when there is harm being done to another individual because of something that they did. In the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, the definition of punishment is, “Suffering, pain, or loss that serves as retribution”, and, “Severe, rough, or disastrous treatment”. This is what gentle parenting is trying to avoid, the abuse of children. The Merriam-Webster definition of discipline is, “training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character”, and, “A rule or system of rules governing conduct or activity”. Discipline promotes learning from experiences while standing ground on what is right and wrong.

How to use discipline without punishments

So, discipline is supposed to teach, and with gentle parenting, it’s supposed to happen without punishment, but how does that work? You have to have some way of showing them it is wrong. Here are some steps and ways to not punish children, but still have discipline (2):

1. Try not to act out of anger.

When your child does something bad you probably get angry and want to yell at them, but that doesn’t do anything to solve the problem. You might need to take some time away to calm down first. And that doesn’t necessarily mean just take some deep breaths, go into your room, grab your pillow, and scream if you need to. Pretend your pillow is your child for a moment, calm down, realize that is not what you are going to do, you are going to be better than that, and walk back in there.

2. Try not to focus on what they shouldn’t be doing, instead try to tell them what they should be doing.

An example I saw someone do (3) was that they held a grey binder and said, “Don’t look at the grey binder”, not surprisingly, I looked at the grey binder, many people in the situation would, it’s natural to want to do so, but then, still holding the grey binder said, “Look at me”, of course, I looked at their face, I almost forgot about the binder, I wanted to hear what they were going to say next, so when your child is doing something wrong instead of saying, “Hey, don’t do that”, try saying, “Hey, look at me”, first. It will probably help them listen to you instead of just focusing on the action they were previously doing.

3. Find a suitable consequence.

Find a consequence to give that does not involve hurting your child. If they were using a toy in an inappropriate manner, take the toy away for a while and let them think about their actions. If they said a bad word, explain why bad words are bad, and then send them to the corner to think about why what they said was wrong.

4. Always follow through

It is very likely that in some of these situations your child will throw a fit, or at least start crying. While this is heartbreaking to see, it is important that you do not give in. Do not give the toy back to them, do not try to console them and tell them it was just a small mistake. They will learn that they can get anything by crying and screaming. Hold your ground.

5. When you sense they have calmed down, have a small talk.

It’s always a good idea to have a small talk after something like this happens. The talk doesn’t have to be long and meaningful either, they are still kids, they probably won’t understand most of what you are saying. Keep it simple, “Do you understand why I took the toy away? Good. This is how you use the toy correctly. Do you think you can do that for me? Good job. Thank you”. Not complicated at all, but gets the point across. And if your child is a bit older and can understand more, you might have a deeper talk about feelings, but a toddler is not going to understand that. (4)

6. Let things go back to normal.

Move on and if they try to do the bad thing again, give them a warning that consequences will happen again.

Is gentle parenting too much for the child to understand?

In the steps that were discussed in the last paragraph I said that children should be left to think about what they did and that you should talk to them about what happened, but do they really understand that? And really, it depends. Young toddlers won’t understand most of what is said to them, while older pre-teens will fully understand and happily talk back. That is why you need to make sure you are using terminology that they understand and give consequences that make sense to them and apply to the situation.

This brings up another point though, is there ever a time when gentle parenting shouldn’t be used?

The response is kind of iffy. It is a sort of yes and no situation. It doesn’t mean that punishment is suddenly okay, or you should yell and make a quick switch to bad parenting, no, you should still be kind and patient with your child, what I mean by no, is that before a child is 4 years old and sometimes even after, you can’t hear them out, they don’t understand what you are saying, they don’t have most autonomy. If a two year old is using a toy incorrectly, you aren’t going to take the toy away and then sit down and try to have a serious talk, that won’t work, you would just take the toy away, say, “No”, distract the baby, and move on. It is still gentle, and can be considered gentle parenting, but I feel that gentle parenting only really starts when the child can start to understand, learn, and improve from their mistakes. A baby can not understand why you took away a toy, just that it is gone, you would then replace it with a more appropriate toy and suddenly that other toy didn’t even exist. That isn’t teaching the baby really anything, so therefore, in my mind, it isn’t gentle parenting, it’s just common sense with taking care of a baby. Now when your child can start understanding words and meaning behind things, you can introduce simple concepts that help them learn what is right and wrong.

Gentle parenting is a complex thing that can take time to fully understand. It’s always important to remember that you have only been a parent for as long as your child has been alive and that you are learning too, so give yourself some grace. (5) Trying is what really matters, and as long as most points are hit, I would say you are doing a good job. Gentle parenting really is worth it when you realize you are nothing like what your parents were to you and your child fully trusts you with their emotions and concerns. When a child is open with you and trusts you it can be the most beautiful thing ever, and deserves to be treasured. Do not throw away your child’s trust, try, for them.

(p.s I am not a parent)

Sources

1. Telloian, C. (2022, March 23). Effects of emotional abuse on your brain, relationships, and health. Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/health/effects-of-emotional-abuse#short-and-long-term-effects-in-adults

2. Fletcher. (2023, July 24). Tips for positively disciplining your child. Military OneSource. https://www.militaryonesource.mil/parenting/new-parents/tips-for-disciplining-your-child/#:~:text=Focus%20on%20what%20your%20child,through%20if%20rules%20are%20broken.

3. @the_indomitable_blackman on tiktok

4. A good example of this was shown by @crazylifewithjess on TikTok

5. @rachonlife gives really good validation for moms and parents in general

And of course, the woman, the myth, the legend, Gwen! Aka Mama cusses on YouTube and TikTok. She is truly great and gives amazing examples of gentle parenting and is super validating. She also wrote a book all about parenting called Mama Cusses if you would like to read it.

Gwen is friends with and often works with Tori Phantom! She is also great for gentle parenting tips and validation.

I suggest you look at all the content creators that I reference in this article, they are truly great people.