Thank you for writinf this. I'm so glad I took the time to read it. My 14 yo has been going through a gender identity journeynfor the past two years. Nothing in life - until now!- prepares a parent for helping their child navigate a journey they themselves have never been on. Love isn't always enough for kids to feel that they're getting the kind of suppoert they really need. I've been winging it and loving my kid through it for two years and at times I've felt so lost and helpless. But reading this is so helpful and grounding. I feel like I've found the resource I've been needing to do my best by my child.
having a single overwhelming identity marker – whether it's gender, career, or anything else – can lead to psychological inflexibility and increased stress......well said!
I recently began doing olg hobbues and feel lighter and more myself.
Interesting. My transition is not the only effort on the front burner for me. I have bills to pay. Non-trans medical issues. Moving. A home to sell. All kinds of things. But my transition is first and foremost. It's my ticket to inreased wholeness. So it does consume me. There's no question about it. And yeah, I think it's probably an unhealthy obsession right now. But I feel it's necessary to keep other things shelved. To make sure I'm doing everything I possibly can. Then later there will be the payoff. I'm keeping my eye on the prize. I can visualize myself and what my life will be in just 6 months or a year from now. When you have gender dysphoria (or gender incongruence if you like or both) you'll want to keep at it. And you're willing to sacrifice. Your willing to rearrange your life so you get to where you want to be. No excuses. We're talking about one's own identity. So it's all encompassing. That's the problem. It's not just like saving for a new car or a better TV. Sometimes a person is going to have short-term imbalances in their life so they can be better off later on. I guess the challenge is to do this without making one self sick. I recommend taking breaks for self-care and self-renewal if it all gets too heavy. But never lose sight of your most important goals. Setbacks are expected with any goal. But when we don't follow through and achieve goals it's a form of self- betrayal. And when this happens you need to just re-negotiate your goal and perhaps change your time constraints or take a step back to gather resources. Don't quit or fall into deep depression. Transitioning is probably one of the hardest things I've ever embarked on. I didn't know what I was getting into but I knew I had to. Period. Interesting article. Thank you
We all did. I was the same way, I had to do it or face a possible unaliving event. I was very close in that time. But I try to balance my life as a result though. Im an Infosec person, Im a cook, Im a mother, Im a Druid, and Im a Climate Sensitive person. Those are all facets and parts of me that put together make Wendy. Thats what I try to keep in check.
First Wendy, I'm sorry you considered ending your life. A lot of us have been down that road and I'm no exception. I'm bipolar and have other mental health challenges. But it's safe to say my being transgender was, at least in part, the impetus for these attempts on my life. This issue is serious for our community. Especially now. We can deny ourselves, or suppress our true identities until we reach an inflection point. Which I have made clear a while back in another comment (the concept of one's egg cracking right?). This is quite extraordinary.
This evening I went back and re-read your article. There's value in what you wrote and presented. Actually I consider it one of your most important writings. You gave a balanced, supportive presentation of this issue. Frankly, balance is important in life whether we are trans or not.
I did not appreciate one of the comments made. It seems there's always somebody out there wanting to pathologize the transgender or transitioning experience. It's highly personal. And once again a big deal for that individual. My admitting that I became rather obsessed should in no way indicate that my transition is the wrong thing for me. That it's hurting me. The truth is, transitioning is easily one of the best things I ever did for myself. It represents a new lease on life. Freedom from a mediocre, dull, depressed existence that left me feeling hollow and incomplete. Which even left me uninterested in dating, or sex or marriage. This also led to social isolation. Those who do not experience gender dysphoria or gender incongruence should be careful in the way they comment. Everybody's an expert it seems.
I think in my case any sort of obsession is a response to finally having things take hold. To know that my progress is meaningful. That I jumped through a lot of hoops and clearly made solid progress. And wanting to insure that the path I'm on continues.
My transitioning is intact. I'm doing mostly well. I see a physician for my hormones and related lab work. I have a transgender woman as a therapist (and the two therapists before her were supportive as well; finally!). My psychiatrist and the staff where I go are supportive. I'm getting recommendation letters for surgical procedures. The point is it's going well and it's not a problem. I'm checking a lot of boxes. I guess what I left out is that transitioning is never a perfect linear event. Setbacks are likely. But so what. Striking a balance is always going to be a challenge. So we do the best we can with what we have. And finally, transitioning is a slow and drawn-out process. There's no way around it. So just keep on truckin'.
I think she was just trying to remind people that their gender isn’t all they are, not trying to shame anyone for focusing on that aspect as much as they need to be themselves.
Sometimes transphobes accuse us of being “obsessed” with gender. We aren’t, of course, and answering to them shouldn’t motivate anything. But sometimes it’s good to remind ourselves of our whole selves and that it’s our whole badass selves standing up in a world that hates us.
I can answer that question - I actually did manage to keep my shit balanced during transition. It just happened naturally for me, probably because I'd already spent years living openly queer before my transition even kicked off. That shit was like a crash course in dealing with society's bullshit And fuck yeah, I still get hit with the same discriminatory crap that younger trans folks deal with. That hatred hasn't gone anywhere. But you know what? After years of taking hits as a queer person, I've developed skin thicker than an old boar's hide. The bigots are still out there spewing their shit, but it rolls off me different now. Not because I'm some wise-ass guru - fuck no. It's just that I've been weathering this storm so damn long. And let's be real - that's just my journey. Everyone's got their own way of handling this shit, and however folks need to focus during their transition is fucking valid.
I’m an old fucking bear mother and today , waiting in an airport I got sir , dude, man, guy and you’ll never be a woman spited constantly , and you know what happened ? All 6’6 245lbs of me gives em the finger and a hearty fuck off. Which is the same thing that happens if any if our younger sisters, brothers or siblings sees if I catch anyone doing it to them , whoever opens their fucking mouth like that to anyone in our community , they get a hey , sit the fuck down asshole. And leave my sibling alone ( cracking my knuckles immediately immediately after ).
I do not fuck around when it comes to our family , ever. And I can fucking take it when others can’t. Rant over.
Thank you for writinf this. I'm so glad I took the time to read it. My 14 yo has been going through a gender identity journeynfor the past two years. Nothing in life - until now!- prepares a parent for helping their child navigate a journey they themselves have never been on. Love isn't always enough for kids to feel that they're getting the kind of suppoert they really need. I've been winging it and loving my kid through it for two years and at times I've felt so lost and helpless. But reading this is so helpful and grounding. I feel like I've found the resource I've been needing to do my best by my child.
"So go forth and be your whole fucking self." That's wisdom that everyone should live by, right there.
having a single overwhelming identity marker – whether it's gender, career, or anything else – can lead to psychological inflexibility and increased stress......well said!
I recently began doing olg hobbues and feel lighter and more myself.
Interesting. My transition is not the only effort on the front burner for me. I have bills to pay. Non-trans medical issues. Moving. A home to sell. All kinds of things. But my transition is first and foremost. It's my ticket to inreased wholeness. So it does consume me. There's no question about it. And yeah, I think it's probably an unhealthy obsession right now. But I feel it's necessary to keep other things shelved. To make sure I'm doing everything I possibly can. Then later there will be the payoff. I'm keeping my eye on the prize. I can visualize myself and what my life will be in just 6 months or a year from now. When you have gender dysphoria (or gender incongruence if you like or both) you'll want to keep at it. And you're willing to sacrifice. Your willing to rearrange your life so you get to where you want to be. No excuses. We're talking about one's own identity. So it's all encompassing. That's the problem. It's not just like saving for a new car or a better TV. Sometimes a person is going to have short-term imbalances in their life so they can be better off later on. I guess the challenge is to do this without making one self sick. I recommend taking breaks for self-care and self-renewal if it all gets too heavy. But never lose sight of your most important goals. Setbacks are expected with any goal. But when we don't follow through and achieve goals it's a form of self- betrayal. And when this happens you need to just re-negotiate your goal and perhaps change your time constraints or take a step back to gather resources. Don't quit or fall into deep depression. Transitioning is probably one of the hardest things I've ever embarked on. I didn't know what I was getting into but I knew I had to. Period. Interesting article. Thank you
We all did. I was the same way, I had to do it or face a possible unaliving event. I was very close in that time. But I try to balance my life as a result though. Im an Infosec person, Im a cook, Im a mother, Im a Druid, and Im a Climate Sensitive person. Those are all facets and parts of me that put together make Wendy. Thats what I try to keep in check.
First Wendy, I'm sorry you considered ending your life. A lot of us have been down that road and I'm no exception. I'm bipolar and have other mental health challenges. But it's safe to say my being transgender was, at least in part, the impetus for these attempts on my life. This issue is serious for our community. Especially now. We can deny ourselves, or suppress our true identities until we reach an inflection point. Which I have made clear a while back in another comment (the concept of one's egg cracking right?). This is quite extraordinary.
This evening I went back and re-read your article. There's value in what you wrote and presented. Actually I consider it one of your most important writings. You gave a balanced, supportive presentation of this issue. Frankly, balance is important in life whether we are trans or not.
I did not appreciate one of the comments made. It seems there's always somebody out there wanting to pathologize the transgender or transitioning experience. It's highly personal. And once again a big deal for that individual. My admitting that I became rather obsessed should in no way indicate that my transition is the wrong thing for me. That it's hurting me. The truth is, transitioning is easily one of the best things I ever did for myself. It represents a new lease on life. Freedom from a mediocre, dull, depressed existence that left me feeling hollow and incomplete. Which even left me uninterested in dating, or sex or marriage. This also led to social isolation. Those who do not experience gender dysphoria or gender incongruence should be careful in the way they comment. Everybody's an expert it seems.
I think in my case any sort of obsession is a response to finally having things take hold. To know that my progress is meaningful. That I jumped through a lot of hoops and clearly made solid progress. And wanting to insure that the path I'm on continues.
My transitioning is intact. I'm doing mostly well. I see a physician for my hormones and related lab work. I have a transgender woman as a therapist (and the two therapists before her were supportive as well; finally!). My psychiatrist and the staff where I go are supportive. I'm getting recommendation letters for surgical procedures. The point is it's going well and it's not a problem. I'm checking a lot of boxes. I guess what I left out is that transitioning is never a perfect linear event. Setbacks are likely. But so what. Striking a balance is always going to be a challenge. So we do the best we can with what we have. And finally, transitioning is a slow and drawn-out process. There's no way around it. So just keep on truckin'.
🌈🏳️⚧️
I think she was just trying to remind people that their gender isn’t all they are, not trying to shame anyone for focusing on that aspect as much as they need to be themselves.
Sometimes transphobes accuse us of being “obsessed” with gender. We aren’t, of course, and answering to them shouldn’t motivate anything. But sometimes it’s good to remind ourselves of our whole selves and that it’s our whole badass selves standing up in a world that hates us.
I can answer that question - I actually did manage to keep my shit balanced during transition. It just happened naturally for me, probably because I'd already spent years living openly queer before my transition even kicked off. That shit was like a crash course in dealing with society's bullshit And fuck yeah, I still get hit with the same discriminatory crap that younger trans folks deal with. That hatred hasn't gone anywhere. But you know what? After years of taking hits as a queer person, I've developed skin thicker than an old boar's hide. The bigots are still out there spewing their shit, but it rolls off me different now. Not because I'm some wise-ass guru - fuck no. It's just that I've been weathering this storm so damn long. And let's be real - that's just my journey. Everyone's got their own way of handling this shit, and however folks need to focus during their transition is fucking valid.
I’m an old fucking bear mother and today , waiting in an airport I got sir , dude, man, guy and you’ll never be a woman spited constantly , and you know what happened ? All 6’6 245lbs of me gives em the finger and a hearty fuck off. Which is the same thing that happens if any if our younger sisters, brothers or siblings sees if I catch anyone doing it to them , whoever opens their fucking mouth like that to anyone in our community , they get a hey , sit the fuck down asshole. And leave my sibling alone ( cracking my knuckles immediately immediately after ).
I do not fuck around when it comes to our family , ever. And I can fucking take it when others can’t. Rant over.