I have to say that it's really helped me understand things about myself and come to terms with them.
You know, sometimes I use a voice recorder to express my anger about things, and one of those things lately is about how trapped I feel in this binary society we live in - having discovered myself as agender not even a year ago, and before that, exploring what it was to be non-binary (until I got to agender and it all started to make sense to me).
But because I was dealing with so many things at the time, I didn't have time to delve into it. Or how I fit into it, what I'd like to be called, how I dealt with other people, etc. Having been born biogically female, I never felt 100% close to friends. The same goes for boys. It was always something that “I'm not part of any”. And it's still like that sometimes.
So, due to the context of what I was going through last year, I was content to be seen in the biologically feminine way, to be called “she” and only tell people I trusted about what I identified with.
But these days, for the last few months, I've found myself calling myself by the male pronoun when I write (even though I don't identify as a boy), thinking of other names (although, I've had quite a journey to like my own name), but still, as someone who has always enjoyed creating stories, so I've always had a baggage of names. And then... I started thinking about other names... for myself. I bought a secondhand book and had sent a message saying it was a present for “Augustus” and if I could at least put a card in it, that would be great. I was surprised, however, when it arrived, packaged as a gift, and with the sticker “for Augustus” - AND I WAS SO... I can't say I jumped for joy, but something changed inside me, you know?
Like, things change, and I realized that, and I don't want it to scare me. Because if I've already grown up and escaped from this binary system that wants to impose a categorization, why am I going to do that to myself even though I'm agender? And seeing myself and being on good terms with that? Knowing that if I want, “he” can be my pronoun, “she”, “they” etc.
Wendy, I didn’t want to be the first to comment on this yesterday when I read it. It had just come out, like a minute before, on my feed.
First, this is a thoughtful, intelligent, articulate work that deserves to be read by people - not just those with the incorrect / imprecise understanding of gender dynamics, but by critics of the idea that there are two genders, the end, full stop. I hope it gets that kind of readership.
Scientists in biology have long known that biological gender is not so binary; it flows along a spectrum that has no hard-carved notches in it. Psychologists, dealing in the more hidden aspects of it, have created an “altruistic model” of gender identity that still inhabits the mental map of male >OR< female, with tendencies in either direction, but still beating a historical drum of binary-ness as a personal destination, not a human journey. For related reasons, I take deep issue with the DSM-XX model that underscore a “unified” diagnostic model that doesn’t effectively consider gender (for fear of “labeling” female-orientation and male-orientation as “sexism”) for what it is, which is spectral.
I will never believe gender is finitely anything, and critics can fuck right off.
People can’t be told to accept a different reality that conflicts with their childhood right-v-wrong one until they are forced into the fight, sometimes because of their own identity, and as your first reader-commenter said, because of children. So I wouldn’t want people who are just reading this as a filling their clip with anti-trans/LGBQ ammo to start shooting away (metaphorically) at your piece. Instead, I hope people read this through a more clinical view that presupposes only “What if I was not the fucking expert I think I am on gender?” And comes away with a wider understanding of physical and psychic reality. It doesn’t make me one *political* identity over another because I am willing to accept the *scientific* reality of gender-spectrum dynamics. Said another way, you’re not liberal because you’re gender-complexity aware.
I was going to go into some of the issues with the DSM-n failings, but I’ll save that for another day. Psychologists, therapists, and psychiatrists would do well to read this work. It’s excellent, lays it out in a logical way, and is thorough in its treatment for the forum you’ve published it in. Great job! Thank you.
Wendy, this was amazing and informative and empathetic and thorough. Thank you so much. I have a nonbinary adult child who has a nonbinary significant other and I am learning and loving both of them. You have written so clearly of many of the thoughts and questions I think about. I won’t say it’s been easy- not the loving part- but the navigating a new reality. I appreciate you.
I have to say that it's really helped me understand things about myself and come to terms with them.
You know, sometimes I use a voice recorder to express my anger about things, and one of those things lately is about how trapped I feel in this binary society we live in - having discovered myself as agender not even a year ago, and before that, exploring what it was to be non-binary (until I got to agender and it all started to make sense to me).
But because I was dealing with so many things at the time, I didn't have time to delve into it. Or how I fit into it, what I'd like to be called, how I dealt with other people, etc. Having been born biogically female, I never felt 100% close to friends. The same goes for boys. It was always something that “I'm not part of any”. And it's still like that sometimes.
So, due to the context of what I was going through last year, I was content to be seen in the biologically feminine way, to be called “she” and only tell people I trusted about what I identified with.
But these days, for the last few months, I've found myself calling myself by the male pronoun when I write (even though I don't identify as a boy), thinking of other names (although, I've had quite a journey to like my own name), but still, as someone who has always enjoyed creating stories, so I've always had a baggage of names. And then... I started thinking about other names... for myself. I bought a secondhand book and had sent a message saying it was a present for “Augustus” and if I could at least put a card in it, that would be great. I was surprised, however, when it arrived, packaged as a gift, and with the sticker “for Augustus” - AND I WAS SO... I can't say I jumped for joy, but something changed inside me, you know?
Like, things change, and I realized that, and I don't want it to scare me. Because if I've already grown up and escaped from this binary system that wants to impose a categorization, why am I going to do that to myself even though I'm agender? And seeing myself and being on good terms with that? Knowing that if I want, “he” can be my pronoun, “she”, “they” etc.
Just thanking you for finding this.
Wonderful essay! You just earned a subscriber! 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Thank you, Wendy! This is an excellent essay. ❤️
Wendy, I didn’t want to be the first to comment on this yesterday when I read it. It had just come out, like a minute before, on my feed.
First, this is a thoughtful, intelligent, articulate work that deserves to be read by people - not just those with the incorrect / imprecise understanding of gender dynamics, but by critics of the idea that there are two genders, the end, full stop. I hope it gets that kind of readership.
Scientists in biology have long known that biological gender is not so binary; it flows along a spectrum that has no hard-carved notches in it. Psychologists, dealing in the more hidden aspects of it, have created an “altruistic model” of gender identity that still inhabits the mental map of male >OR< female, with tendencies in either direction, but still beating a historical drum of binary-ness as a personal destination, not a human journey. For related reasons, I take deep issue with the DSM-XX model that underscore a “unified” diagnostic model that doesn’t effectively consider gender (for fear of “labeling” female-orientation and male-orientation as “sexism”) for what it is, which is spectral.
I will never believe gender is finitely anything, and critics can fuck right off.
People can’t be told to accept a different reality that conflicts with their childhood right-v-wrong one until they are forced into the fight, sometimes because of their own identity, and as your first reader-commenter said, because of children. So I wouldn’t want people who are just reading this as a filling their clip with anti-trans/LGBQ ammo to start shooting away (metaphorically) at your piece. Instead, I hope people read this through a more clinical view that presupposes only “What if I was not the fucking expert I think I am on gender?” And comes away with a wider understanding of physical and psychic reality. It doesn’t make me one *political* identity over another because I am willing to accept the *scientific* reality of gender-spectrum dynamics. Said another way, you’re not liberal because you’re gender-complexity aware.
I was going to go into some of the issues with the DSM-n failings, but I’ll save that for another day. Psychologists, therapists, and psychiatrists would do well to read this work. It’s excellent, lays it out in a logical way, and is thorough in its treatment for the forum you’ve published it in. Great job! Thank you.
Thank you, Rick! Well spoken (ok, written!)!
Wendy, this was amazing and informative and empathetic and thorough. Thank you so much. I have a nonbinary adult child who has a nonbinary significant other and I am learning and loving both of them. You have written so clearly of many of the thoughts and questions I think about. I won’t say it’s been easy- not the loving part- but the navigating a new reality. I appreciate you.